


With An Unrequited Love (Zen X Reader)

by thatsmia



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Designated Driving, Drama, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Love, Masturbation, Mixed Signals, Mutual Masturbation, NSFW, NSFW In Future Chapters, Partying, Sex, Unrequited Love, Vaginal Fingering, after Zen's route, during Zen's route, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2018-10-06 01:05:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10322021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatsmia/pseuds/thatsmia
Summary: You and Zen have been friends for years, participating and performing in multiple musicals and projects together. He confides in you and you in him. You know he's in love with someone else, but you can't help your feelings. You'll give everything you have for him, even if it means just being his friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Get ready for angst! This is going to be one hell of a ride if I can pull it off. This is my first reader insert fanfic so please forgive me if it isn't great. I want to practice second person and I think this is the place to do it. There will be NSFW moments later on so the story is going to be explicit. ;) Hope you all enjoy and keep up with the other fics I'm currently writing!

Tonight is the night. Opening night. You’re excited because it’s your first big lead in a major production. You look at yourself in the mirror and smile, as you pump yourself up and give yourself words of encouragement. The other girls in the dressing room all tell each other and you to break a leg and you’re all anxious as the call for places is given.

 

You calmly make your way to wait for your entrance, a soft touch on your shoulder as you stand behind a large flat painted like a balcony under the evening sky. You turn and look to see your leading man: Zen. A huge smile adorns his face and you can’t help but smile back. This isn’t his first lead in a major production but it’s his first with you and he’s so excited. You’ve been doing shows with him for years and when you were cast opposite of him, he couldn’t wait to start rehearsing with you.

 

“Are you ready?” he asks, his hands squeezing your shoulders lightly.

 

You nod and bite your lip a little, opening night jitters trying to get you down. You feel comfort knowing Zen is probably a little nervous too even if he’s been winning the audience over with hundreds if not thousands of performances as different characters for years.

 

“You’re going to be spectacular. We’ve worked so hard and I can’t wait for the audience to see us onstage together.” he says, pulling you into a hug.

 

“I can’t wait too. I’m so lucky to have gotten cast alongside you, Zen. Break a leg.”

 

He smiles at you, a slight blush on his cheeks.

 

“Thank you. Break a leg too, okay?” he winks at you and strides across to the other end of the stage where he is supposed to enter. He whispers to you as he leaves.

 

“I’ll see you onstage, my love.”

 

You can’t help but blush at this term of endearment but then you remember that he’s just getting into character. While you’ve seen Zen as someone you’d like to date, he’s only seen you as a friend. You can tell because he’s been single for all the years you’ve known him and even when he showed interest in someone, his behavior was vastly different than the way it was when he was around you. You take a deep breath as the lights on the stage go dim and music starts to play. The musical is beginning and it’s time for you to make Zen fall in love with you, but only onstage.

 

* * *

 

_Your feelings for Zen started to emerge when you spent a day, a few years ago, rehearsing for a show where the plot required Zen to whisk away young ladies into the night as a vampire who seduced them into becoming his victims. It was a romantic plot and you had been cast as one of the ladies he seduced. This was the first time you and Zen had a scene together. While you had been in shows before, you were usually just an ensemble member where you’d react, move props, and sing and dance in the chorus. Getting to know the rest of the cast was always fun and you and Zen had a nice friendship that eventually made its way outside of the theater._

 

_There was a long lunch break that day and Zen, you, and a couple others decided to get lunch at a cafe nearby the rehearsal space. It was a cold day out and you had forgotten your jacket so Zen offered his to you. You took it and as you walked with each other and the others, you felt a small tingle inside your stomach. You were nervous and you couldn’t look at Zen without your cheeks burning and your heart flutter like a thousand birds. You could feel yourself gravitating towards wanting to be around him always and that want alone made you work twice as hard with every production you were in with Zen._

 

_That friendship turned into a really close one. Zen told you so much. He would tell you how comfortable he felt around you and that he was so happy to have a friend like you. You’d text back and forth and meet for lunch and see movies together. Sometimes just the two of you and sometimes with other members of the particular show you were in. It all seemed like it could lead to something more between the two of you. But it never would. Because Zen had a part of him he never really shared with you. And that was okay. Sometimes you didn’t tell him everything going on in your life. It was only fair. But then something changed in him. When he met someone. Someone who wasn’t you._

 

* * *

 

When the curtains descend for the final time that night, you can’t hold back your excitement. As the audience applauds, you feel Zen’s hand squeeze yours tightly. There had been no mistakes during the show and the entire cast and production team felt as if this was one of the best shows everyone had put on. When the work lights turn on, everyone starts hugging and congratulating each other for a job well done. Zen doesn’t let go of your hand and pulls you towards the stage door.

 

“Zen! Where are we going? Everyone is going to have a glass of champagne in the green room. Don’t you want to join them?”

 

“We’ll join them in a minute. I want to give you something.”

 

He gently leads you outside, the fresh air a welcome feeling as you are quite hot from the stage lights and the costume you’re still wearing. A soft breeze rustles the trees and your hair slightly. It’s nice and the moon shines brightly, accentuating the white glow of Zen’s hair and the slight shimmer in the fake pearls you’re wearing.

 

“What is it you want to give me?” you ask him, a slight hope in your voice for something sweet or even a kiss.

 

He grins and has something behind his back.

 

“Close your eyes.”

 

You chuckle but do as he asks and you hear something rustle as he holds whatever it is out in front of him.

 

“Open them.”

 

You open your eyes and see a large bouquet of roses in his hands. A smile erupts onto your face and you give a little squeal of glee as he hands them to you.

 

“Thank you so much, Zen. You really didn’t have to…”

 

“I did. I really did. You worked so hard and you put on a beautiful performance. I thought it only fit to get you something. I didn’t want anyone else to get jealous so that’s why I took you out here.”

 

He winks at you and you hold the roses against your chest. The sweet smell of them waft into your nose and you can’t help the soft blush rising onto your cheeks as he steps closer to you. It’s quiet, but you enjoy it and looking into Zen’s eyes you swear you could have seen something that hadn’t been there before. Maybe it was love? Or maybe it was just the glint of the moon shining in his crimson eyes. Whatever it was, it made you silently hope he wouldn’t notice your face turning red.

 

“I really mean it. You’ve been working so hard in every production we’ve done together that I think it was perfect casting when I found out you’d be my leading lady. I just want to thank you. For everything. You’ve been such a wonderful friend to me.”

 

You shrug and laugh a little embarrassed.

 

“It’s really nothing….I just...I love performing with you. Um...I mean….I love performing with everyone and I just want to give every performance my all.”

 

Zen steps closer and he pulls you into a hug, the roses getting a little squished between the two of you. You awkwardly pull them out and close the gap by wrapping your arms around him. The feel of him against you is almost too much and he pulls away slightly, his eyes looking into yours. His face starts to move towards yours and you feel a tightening in your gut as you freak out inside your head. Is he going to kiss you? Will he finally confess his feelings for you? Is this the beginning of something more? You close your eyes, awaiting his lips against yours but it never happens. His lips touch you, yes, but they softly press against your cheek. You try not to let out a sigh of disappointment and you keep your eyes shut until his lips leave your skin. He steps away from you and smiles.

 

“I’m sorry if that was weird….I just….wanted to thank you again and….you look so wonderful in that costume I just had to kiss you.”

 

You put your hand to your cheek and the spot his lips were just on burns with the intensity of a thousand suns against your fingertips. You shake your head, smiling softly at him.

 

“It’s okay. No need to apologize. It’s not every day a girl has the ever handsome Zen kiss her cheek. You look wonderful too.”

 

He grins and walks back towards the stage door.

 

“How about that champagne?”

 

You nod, following him and continuing to clutch the roses to your chest. You hope they mask the loud thumping of your heart as you don’t know how you’ll be able to get over the fact that Zen kissed your cheek. Stopping by the dressing room to put the flowers down, you hear Zen fiddling with his phone a little. He starts talking to someone and you can also hear bits of the conversation he’s having.

 

“Babe! How are you tonight? I hope you ate. There’s nothing better than having a good dinner before doing anything else.”

 

You remove the costume jewelry you’re wearing to get a head start on putting things away, trying to distract yourself from the conversation. You can tell he’s talking to a girl. He never uses ‘babe’ or anyone but girls he’s interested in.

 

“Just remember, babe! I’m always here for you and I’m always going to listen. I hope you sleep well and meet me in our dreams. Goodnight!”

 

You wait for him to hang up before emerging from the dressing room. He smiles at you and then looks down at his phone, smiling bigger as he sends a text. You assume it’s to the girl he was just speaking to and you don’t mention anything as you start to walk down the hall towards the green room. When you both get there, everyone else is already chatting and drinking champagne and one of the other cast members hands each of you a glass. The director then makes his toast after everyone has settled and you all raise your glasses. You chat with others for a while before heading back to the dressing room and getting your things ready to go home.

 

When your costume is hung and everything is back in its place for the next performance, you gather your things and the bouquet and head out the door. Some people leave together and others walk to their cars or down the street to their homes. You fish inside your purse for your car keys and you spot Zen making his way into a taxi. You call to him and he looks over at you. He waves.

 

“Thank you again for the roses! I’ll put them in a pretty vase when I get home!” you call.

 

“Good! I’m glad you like them! I’ll see you later!”

 

You wait for him to get into the taxi before you pull out your keys and walk to your car. When the door is shut and locked you put the key into the ignition. Driving home, you don’t listen to the radio. You silently think about the events of the night and even still when you get home and into your apartment. The roses go into your nicest vase and you let it sit on the coffee table in the middle of your living room. You do your nightly routine, playing everything over and over inside your head as you brush your teeth, change into your pjs, and turn out the light.

  
When it’s dark and you’re under the covers, you notice that the lingering heat from Zen’s kiss is still on your cheek. You raise your fingertips to touch it again and when skin makes contact with skin, you feel tears fall from your eyes, down your cheeks, and onto your pillow where they die.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You attend a small party for the production with Zen. You think you're going to try to admit your feelings to him. With a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to clarify before you read the rest of the story (and the future chapters) that I'm going to extend the period of how long MC and Zen have been chatting on the messenger since I'm making it so he even used rehearsal breaks for this show to talk to her.

The next day you receive a mass text from the assistant director of the production. A cast get-together has been planned to celebrate the opening weekend of the show. You respond to it and see that Zen is, of course, planning on attending. The assistant director sends another mass text asking everyone to bring something to either eat or drink and you decide to make your favorite cookies. It’s a casual gathering but you look through your closet to find the cute dress you bought a week ago for such an occasion. 

 

You lay out the outfit you’re going to wear on your bed and you go back to the kitchen to prepare the cookies. The feelings from the night before still hang in the air around you and every time you glance at the roses in the vase, your heart thumps hard inside your chest. You cried yourself to sleep the night before, internally chastising yourself for not saying anything to Zen. There was a hope that maybe if you had said something he could have at least had a moment to think about his feelings towards you. This wasn’t the first time tears had become your lullaby as you would sometimes cry yourself to sleep after spending time with Zen. You had tried to control it more since you were the other lead in the current production and you wanted to keep your stress level down. But now that the show had opened, you felt the overwhelming warmth of your feelings for Zen start to bubble up to the surface once more. 

 

A light  _ bing  _ from your phone indicates a text and you gasp a little when you see that Zen has messaged just you apart from the group text. 

 

**[** **_Mind if I come over? I bet you’re baking cookies for the event~ Can I help?_ ** **]**

 

You let out a small whimper of worry but you don’t want to say no to him. You take a few minutes to reply, the tip of your finger in your mouth as you try not to bite your nail from nervousness. 

 

**[** **_Sure! I haven’t really started yet, so hurry over so you can help me. We can go together. :)_ ** **]**

 

Zen sends back a winking emoji and you set your phone facedown and get out the ingredients you need. You can’t help but wonder if the girl he’s been talking to is completely different to you. You know she’s a member of the organization Zen is a part of but you don’t really know anything else about it. You’ve never really asked him and he’s only mentioned it in casual conversation. There’s a small push inside your gut that tells you maybe you should ask him about it when he comes over. It’s the least you can ask especially if you want to know that part of him. The part he’s never really shared. Maybe it’s the key to getting him to notice some part of you he hasn’t before. Or maybe it’s a waste of time. You decide not to ask him, at least not now. The doorbell ringing makes you jump but you quickly go to open it, knowing it’s him. 

 

He waves and says hello before stepping inside. His eyes immediately look around to find the roses and when he sees them he goes to inspect them in the vase. 

 

“Hm….these look even more beautiful than they did last night.” 

 

“Well...I did put them in water.” you say playfully. 

 

“I’m glad they make you smile. They really brighten up the room.” 

 

Him mentioning your smile makes you do so and you shift from side to side a bit awkwardly as he smells the roses. They were red but you knew they weren’t meant for romantic love. There were twenty-five in the bouquet and someone who didn’t know any better would have thought he really loved you. But the quantity meant “congratulations”. And red roses didn’t always mean romance. You knew he had great respect for you and that’s why he had given you the bouquet. 

 

“Well...we should get started on the cookies….” 

 

Zen stands up straight and follows you to the kitchen. He rolls up his sleeves and puts on an apron. You can’t help but laugh a little as he readies himself for the possible mess you two might make. His phone buzzes and he takes a few minutes to use it.  _ It must be her again.  _ You think. Zen chuckles to himself and bites his lip cutely as he texts back and forth. You try not to look like you’re waiting for him so you start mixing ingredients together. You can hear him mutter things under his breath. 

 

“You’re so cute, MC….” 

 

You try to tune out what he’s saying as best you can, so you hum the big number from the show to distract yourself. If there’s anything you know you’re one of the best at, it’s singing.  _ I bet she can’t sing. Not like me.  _ It makes you feel a little bad, thinking these things about a girl you don’t know. You’re thinking mean things about a girl Zen clearly cares a lot for. But you’re jealous. You know it’s not the right thing to do, but it helps you concentrate. Your humming starts to get louder until you’re softly singing all the parts in the song, even Zen’s. He notices your singing and out of the corner of your eye you notice him longingly gaze at his phone before putting it back in his pocket. 

 

“Sorry about that….it was a bit important.” 

 

“No problem, but you threw off my groove.” 

 

He laughs, bowing to you as an apology escapes his lips. 

 

“Forgive me, my lady. How about we sing together?” 

 

His suggestion makes your heart flutter and you nod. It was moments like these you cherished. Being alone with Zen and having fun with him. When no one else was around you felt like you could be completely yourself with him. And you were. You never hid anything from him, except your feelings. Even the things you hadn’t told him up to this point were wanting to be heard. You told yourself that at least the girl he was admiring didn’t get to have moments like this with him. He had mentioned before that he only really saw the other members of his organization a few times out of the year. When the mention of this girl, MC, came up, you figured he’d never met her in person before. You had a one-up on her. You got to see him all the time. 

 

You both sang songs from the production and reenacted scenes together in the kitchen, saying the lines for those who weren’t there and doing silly voices and exaggerating your movements. Zen smiled the whole time you two made the cookies and you couldn’t stop smiling either. When the cookies were in the oven, you both sat on the couch in front of the flowers to relax. Zen was on his phone again, his expression changing from happy to frustrated to exasperated to happy again. 

 

“Who are you talking to?” It was now or never and you figured now was a good time to break the ice on the conversation about Zen’s organization. 

 

“Oh...just the RFA.” 

 

“You haven’t really told me about them. What kind of people are in your organization?” 

 

“Well…it’s for charity. And...the other members and I constantly message each other. There’s a college student and a computer whiz….and Jumin Han…” 

 

“From C&R? He’s in your organization?....wow.” 

 

“Yeah well...he’s a jerk. And he pulled his assistant into the organization….Jaehee…”

 

“Oh! I know her! She’s your fan, right? She’s always at the shows. She seems very nice.” 

 

“She is. But I think that trust fund jerk needs to give her a raise or days off…..” 

 

Zen grew quiet and then he smiled softly. 

 

“And we just got a new member…..” 

 

“Is that…..who you were talking to just now?”  _ And last night and during rehearsal breaks and in my kitchen earlier?  _ You thought to yourself. 

 

“Oh….um….yeah well...I was talking to everyone but….yes. The new member….MC...she’s really great. A very kind and understanding person. And cute too. Though, I’ve never seen her before.” 

 

“You haven’t?....oh well….I….I’m sure you will one day.” You reassure him. 

 

He hums happily and nods. 

 

“I think so too. I can’t wait. I always feels very….comfortable and better when I talk to her. I think I might be….well….I might be developing feelings for her.” 

 

Your heart sinks into the pit of your stomach. There it was now. Out in the open. Zen admitted what you had been fearing for a while. He was falling in love with someone else. You quickly tried to think of a response to what he said but the buzzing of the oven timer saved you. You jumped up and scurried to the oven to turn it off and pull the cookies out. You could hear Zen talking to himself in the living room. When you opened your ears more you realized that he wasn’t talking to himself but to someone on the phone. 

 

“...how are you doing today? Did you eat breakfast?.....good girl….oh today I’m going to a gathering for my latest production. If I may brag, we had a great opening night last night…….of course I was the best! But your words of encouragement…..ah….those are pulling at my heart….haha, well I have to go soon. I hope you’re having a nice day today. Call me if you want to talk or if you want to avoid the other wolves out there. I’ll talk to you later, babe. Bye.” 

 

You can hear him sigh happily before he joins you in the kitchen. You quickly start to place them onto a fancy platter, humming again to make him think you’ve been doing this the whole time instead of listening to him. 

 

“Those look amazing. I think we did a great job. We work so well together.” 

 

_ In all ways but one apparently… _

 

You hand him the platter and remove your apron. 

 

“Let me just get my things together. Then we can go.” 

 

He nods and sets the platter down on the counter, removing his apron too and fixing himself up. You go to your room and take a deep breath before quickly fixing any makeup on your face and changing into a cute dress. Your hair is taken down from the bun it was in and soft curls cascade down onto your shoulders. A pair of kitten heels are slipped onto your feet and you grab your purse and a sweater in case a breeze comes. You emerge from your bedroom and Zen is already waiting for you with the platter in his hands. 

 

“Very nice.” he comments on your ensemble and you just nod in thanks. 

 

He had taken a cab to your apartment so you both hop into your car and to the party.

 

* * *

 

_ “Do you think I can ever find love?”  _

 

_ “Is the Pope Catholic?”  _

 

_ “Really...I’m serious….despite my good looks I can’t seem to secure a girlfriend.”  _

 

_ “Zen….you really shouldn’t worry about that. I….I think you’ll find someone really soon.”  _

 

_ It  was raining and the gray mood outside matched Zen’s inside. Rehearsal had been cancelled due to the rain and you and Zen were together waiting for a cab. Your car had been in the shop and so Zen offered to go with you to save money.  _

 

_ “I just feel like….maybe I’m missing something. It feels like….something or someone is just around the corner...waiting for me.”  _

 

_ “Maybe….um….maybe…” _

 

_ “What is it?...”  _

 

_ “Maybe you should look very close to you. Someone….might already be-”  _

 

_ The honking of the taxi alerted both of you and cut off your sentence. It seemed fate wasn’t in your favor. You get into the cab first and Zen followed, scooting close to you as it was cold. He put his arm around your shoulder.  _

 

_ “Cold? Let me warm you up.”  _

 

_ He slid his hand up and down your shoulder and arm in a steady rhythm that your heartbeat starts to match. You warmed up in no time but that was more due to the fact that Zen had been touching you and made your entire body ignite like a flame. He stopped when he saw the small smile on your face.  _

 

_ “Better?”  _

 

_ You nodded and he took his arm away, patting your hand that rested on your knee. There was a bit of silence between the two of you and when the cab stopped in front of your apartment you had reluctantly gotten out. Zen followed, asking the driver to wait a moment while he walked you to the door.  _

 

_ “Guess I’ll see you later.” you muttered.  _

 

_ “Yeah…”  _

 

_ “Um…..are you….auditioning for the new production?” _

 

_ “Of course. Are you?” _

 

_ “Yes. I’m…..hoping to get a lead this time. I think I deserve it.”  _

 

_ “You do. I’ll make sure to give it my all if we’re both cast, regardless of role. Break a leg at the audition and I hope I can see you more. Since this rehearsal was cancelled and we only have a weekend for this show I hope I can work with you again.”  _

 

_ You smiled at him and he smiled back. He hugged you at the door before giving his goodbye and hopping back into the cab. You had watched him disappear as the cab turned a corner and when you knew he was gone you hurried into your apartment and hid in your room.  _

 

_ You had to tell him how you felt at some point. Before it was too late. _

 

* * *

 

The party is alight with chatter and laughing and fun when you both arrive and everyone greets the two of you with vigor and happiness. 

 

Zen sets the platter of cookies down and proudly announces that the two of you had made them together. A fellow cast member takes the opportunity to joke. 

 

“So you two baked hot cookies in the kitchen together? And what did you bring for the party?” 

 

Everyone laughs and you both blush heavily. Zen puts his arm around you sensing that you are a bit uncomfortable. 

 

“You can say whatever you want, but I know that my leading lady here is a wonderful chef! So enjoy the cookies. And don’t say silly things like that. We’re just friends.” 

 

The term ‘just friends’ stings hard, but you calm down a little from the excitement around you after Zen says that. Clearly, everyone around you thinks the two of you were perfect for each other. You had sometimes heard the others whisper about when you’d get together. It got your hopes up some days and other days it would make you cry. Because you knew the truth. You knew Zen would never accept you as anything but his friend. 

 

When the party settles and people begin going off into different groups to talk and chat, you spot Zen outside, alone. Looking around, you hope no one sees you sneak over to see him because they might perpetuate the jokes and gossip about how the two of you should be a legit couple. You clutch the glass of wine in your hand as you make your way outside. When you get closer you can hear him talking.  _ He’s talking to her again. _

 

“Haha….babe, you always make me blush when you say things like that. I’m at a party, I have to control myself!” 

 

_ Maybe I should head back inside…. _

 

“I can’t wait to meet you…..ugh...I want to see  you…..I want to see how cute you are.” 

 

_ But can she sing, Zen? Can she joke around with you like I can? Is there something I’m missing that she has absolute perfection in? _

 

“I should go now, babe. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.” 

 

You freeze as he hangs up the phone, afraid he’ll turn around and see that you were listening. You start to back up when he turns around. 

 

“Hey!” 

 

You pretend to walk out and hope he won’t notice you had been backing up. 

 

“Zen! Why are you out here alone?” 

 

“Oh...um….I was talking to someone on the phone. Did I look lonely?”

 

You nod and stand next to him. 

 

“It’s getting dark. Do you need a ride home?” 

 

“I’d like that, if it’s not too much trouble.” 

 

You smile at him and he smiles back. The air is warm between the two of you and you bite your lip. You break the silence with a bold admittance. 

 

“I….I did come out here because you looked lonely. You seem to….go off by yourself a lot lately….” 

 

He chuckles a little shyly, “Well...I just….” 

 

You can feel your cheeks start to burn and you step closer. He doesn’t back away but he doesn’t meet you either. He looks at you a bit confused. 

 

“Do you sneak off to talk to someone, Zen? That person you were talking to….is that why you’re always alone lately?” 

 

_ What am I doing? Why isn’t he backing away from me? Why isn’t he changing the subject?  _

 

“I...well….I did meet someone….and I-” 

 

Before you know it, your lips are against his and you have no idea how or why you did it. This was the first time you had ever kissed him. Ironically, your characters in the current production were lovers but there was never a kiss onstage. The director had decided that if the characters didn’t kiss at the end, it would leave the audience with a want for more that they couldn’t have. With his lips on yours this time instead of your cheek, you can taste the sweetness of the cookies and the soft smoke from a cigarette he had earlier. It is a sweet kiss, a soft one, an innocent one. For a few seconds you start to panic as neither of you were pulling away and when you finally do, his face is almost as red as his eyes. 

 

“You...kissed me…”

 

The panic starts to reappear inside your head and your heart thumps the loudest it has ever at this point and you can’t think of anything else but the excuse you blurt out. 

 

“You just looked so lonely and I thought a kiss would help you….I’m sorry….” 

 

You look down at the ground, embarrassed and ready to cry but you see the tips of his shoes meet yours and he tips your chin up so that you can look at him. 

 

“Don’t apologize. It was a sweet gesture. You really are a wonderful friend.” 

 

He leans down to kiss you again, your cheek this time. The same heat from the night before is left on the surface of your skin and when he pulls away you can feel the tears starting to well up in your eyes. You quickly will yourself not to cry and you shrug and laugh to hide your sadness. 

 

“Oh well...I mean...it’s nothing. If you ever….need something like that…..you know where to find me.” 

 

Zen tucks a lock of your hair behind your ear and smiles. 

 

“We should go. You look a bit tired.” 

 

You nod and he offers you his arm. You reluctantly take it and he lets you inside first. You let go of his arm and say your goodbyes to everyone before leaving with Zen. 

 

“You know…..it doesn’t help that comment from earlier if we leave together.” 

 

He furrows his brows and shakes his head. 

 

“I don’t care. I know you’re my dearest friend. And I know where we stand in our friendship.” 

 

His comment makes you happy but sad as well. If he hadn’t already confirmed it, he didn’t feel the same way about you as you did him. A dominant but rather dormant part of you had made you kiss him because you thought deep down that maybe if he felt your lips against his that he’d see the light and want to be with you. But that stuff only happens in movies and books and tv. 

 

“Y-Yeah….me too.” 

 

“I’m glad you see it that way too. But if….you ever need a shoulder to cry on….or a kiss like that from me….I don’t mind. Really. A pretty girl like you needs that kind of presence in her life. How can I be your friend if I don’t offer my protection and care to you. You’re so dear to me. I want you to feel like you’re special.” 

 

You just nod and smile, stepping inside the car and driving him home. When you stop in front of his house he squeezes your hand before exiting the car. He waves to you before heading inside and as you drive home his words replay in your head over and over. 

  
For the second night in a row, you cry yourself to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be NSFW so get ready for sinful thoughts. ;) But also more angst.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NSFW time. You have a sinful dream about Zen that you can't help but try to finish yourself after you wake up. The final performance comes and you're so upset you let yourself go while partying at the cast party afterwards. Zen worries for you and takes you home, only to be surprised by your grateful, yet very inebriated, state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to make this chapter extra long because I want to start the events that take place during Zen's route in the game at the beginning of the next chapter (I wanted the events in the second half of this chapter to happen before that). I also wanted to keep the NSFW stuff in one chapter to see how it flows for when I do another one down the line. Hope you all enjoy. :)
> 
> ALSO, please note, I do not condone excessive drinking nor do I condone drinking and driving. Please don't drink and drive and always have a designated friend/driver with you at any sort of party that serves alcohol. Always be safe, especially if you decide to drink alcohol.

It’s warm. Sweat is forming all over your body. Someone is whispering in your ear.  Heat begins to pool between your legs. The voice in your ear is familiar. You feel a tightness start to pull in your abdomen as it speaks.

 

_ “I love you. I love everything about you.”  _

 

Soft lips kiss your ear and then your cheek all the way down to your neck. A hand makes its way down your arm, gently down your hand and past your fingertips. You open your eyes to see Zen, his warm breath now ghosting your lips. 

 

_ “I love you.”  _ he says again. 

 

“I love you too….I love you so much, Zen….” 

 

He kisses your lips and down from your chin all the way to the space between your breasts. The hand that was touching you is now sliding down your right thigh and he squeezes you every so often as he makes his way to your throbbing core. His eyes never leave yours as you watch him toy with one of your nipples. Primal instinct reflects in the red of his eyes and you can’t help but moan and whimper as he ravishes your entire body. 

 

_ “You’re so beautiful. I can’t wait to make you mine. Mm...you’re already so wet for me…”  _

 

That’s when you notice his voice has been echoing the entire time. His touch is almost ghost-like and right when you feel his fingers begin to toy with your clit you wake up. 

 

A dream. A lousy fucking dream. You sit up in bed and rub your eyes. A small whimper leaves your lips as you curse yourself for having woken up during a sex dream. And not just any sex dream of course. A sex dream about Zen. It’s dark. The alarm clock next to your bed reads 2:30 AM. You sigh and a few tears escape your eyes because you’re just so upset with everything. Upset with yourself for having woken up during the dream. Upset with a girl you don’t even know. Upset with Zen for not noticing you in the first place. A part of you even feels dirty for even having such a sinful dream about him. You go back to lie down when you feel a wet spot underneath you. 

 

You turn the light on your phone to inspect the bed and sure enough you really were as wet as imaginary Zen had said in your dream. Rather than go back to sleep you find yourself wanting to continue where the dream left off. If you couldn’t even have him in your dream you could certainly think about him as you finish yourself off. This wasn't the first time you had touched yourself thinking of him, but it was the first time such a dream had made you so excited.

 

You close your eyes and try to imagine how your dream would have continued had you stayed asleep. It was easier for you since you had kissed him but it was also easier because when you were onstage as lovers he held you and touched you as a lover would. 

 

You start slow, sliding your hands up your sides and underneath your shirt. Your mind wanders to how Zen’s lips felt against yours, soft and sweet. You can imagine him kissing your cheek, right where he had before and slowly making his way down to your collarbone. You slide your shirt up over your breasts and you start to play with your nipples, pulling and pinching them like your dream. One of your hands slowly slides underneath your shorts and panties and you can tell just how soaked you are just from thinking about Zen. You moan slightly, talking out loud so you can pretend he’s there, listening to you. 

 

“Can you see how wet I am for you, Zen? Look at what you do to me….” 

 

You can’t take the heat of your clothes anymore and you slide your shirt off over your head and throw it to the floor. You also discard your shorts and panties and spread your legs so you can have better access to your aching core. Zen’s name is the only thing on your lips as you slide two fingers inside your wet folds. Your thumb presses gently against your clit and your back starts to arch as you slide your fingers in and out. 

 

“Zen…. _ Zen _ ….. _ oh Zen I-hha….I wish you could hear me…! _ ” 

 

You pull and pinch and squeeze your breasts, your head tossing and turning against your pillow. You really do wish he could hear you right now as you call his name and beg for him to be inside you. You’re sure the girl he’s interested in could never be as loud and as wanting as you are right now. You can feel and hear your juices spill out from between your fingers and your throbbing walls. In your head you can hear his voice tickle your ear again. 

 

“ _ Do you know how many times I’ve touched myself thinking of you? _ ” 

 

You imagine his fingers plunging deeper inside you as he kisses your jaw and then your lips. The memory of how they tasted is ingrained in your head forever and you want to taste it; you want to taste him again and more. 

 

“Zen... _ oh Zen _ ….!” 

 

You pretend your thumb is his and you start to rub your swollen clit in tiny circles, pulling yourself closer to orgasm. He’d kiss down your body, nibbling small love bites onto your skin as he would make his way towards your core. You imagine his lips finally kissing you down there and you just lose almost all control in your body. 

 

“ _ You taste so sweet….I can’t get enough of you….I love you. I love you so much. _ ” 

 

Your fingers delve so deep inside of you and they curl in just the right spot to make you see stars and scream out his name as you ride to the highest point. 

 

“ZEN….f-fuck….mmm...fuck me…..don’t stop…! I love you….” 

 

You can’t seem to stop yourself even after your orgasm ceases and your hips buck on their own to ride out the waves. In your head you imagine if Zen were really here this would only be the beginning and he’d fuck you until your legs were numb. 

 

You sigh and flop onto the bed and cover your face with your dry hand. You feel a little better after taking a few deep breaths but you can feel tears welling up in your eyes. You blink and let a few escape. A soft whisper escapes your lips.

 

“....I love you so much, Zen…” 

 

You wipe your eyes and get up to clean yourself and the bed. Shuffling in the darkness, you try not to get upset but you know your words and feelings are always going to be hidden from him. He doesn’t think about you this late at night. He’s never going to touch himself to thoughts of you. Just thinking about him masturbating to the other girl makes you want to scream out in frustration. You lean your head against the doorframe of your bedroom and you take a few more deep breaths to calm yourself. Feeling this way hurts.  _ It hurts your heart. It hurts your soul. _ If you don’t tell him soon, he’ll never know and you’ll be stuck in perpetual hell.

 

* * *

 

_ “Do you think I’ll ever find love?”  _

 

_ “Of course you will. That’s not even a question you should be asking.”  _

 

_ “You’re saying that because you feel bad for me…”  _

 

_ “I don’t. I’m saying it because it’s true.”  _

 

_ You had asked the question during a rehearsal break. You thought maybe bringing it up in conversation would hint to Zen that he should take you on a date or look at you in a different way. He had turned to look at you and he smiled.  _

 

_ “Don’t smile like that…..it gives me hope and I really don’t think it’s going to happen….”  _

 

_ “Listen to me. You are one of the most beautiful and sweet people I’ve ever known. You work hard and you listen and you’re so very kind. Any guy would be lucky to have you.”  _

 

_ His words sounded so cliche but you didn’t care. He was building you up to be someone. In his eyes you were apparently a really wonderful person. So why was he not taking this chance to get to know that girl for himself?  _

 

_ “You really think so?”  _

 

_ “I know so. I’m not just saying it because we’re friends.”  _

 

_ Friends. You had started hating that word whenever it was brought up between the two of you. There had to be a way to tell him you wanted to be more than that without actually saying it. If you said it out loud, you knew that you’d just avoid him like the plague regardless of what he would say. But how could you say it without using your voice? _

 

* * *

 

A few weeks passed after your late night tryst with imaginary Zen. During that time you somehow managed to leave all your worries at the door when you were performing. You felt at peace and in control onstage. You knew in the play he would fall in love with you at the end of every performance. If only the pretend love could make itself into reality. 

 

Nothing had changed between you and Zen in that time either, except he’d sneak out during intermission and down time to talk to the girl from RFA. You didn’t bother him when he did that because you felt like you were intruding on him every time you “happened to pass by”. Eavesdropping was getting old, especially when he would just say the same things over and over to the girl on the phone. Your thoughts were always the same too: 

 

_ You’ve never even met her… _

_ She could be lying to you… _

_ I’m here now… _

_ I listen to you… _

_ I already love you… _

 

Eventually the production is on its closing night. Tonight you have to stop yourself from crying the entire second act because it’s almost over for you and Zen in your pretend world. After tonight you wouldn’t be his “love” any longer. When the last scene arrives, you decide to try one more time to get his attention on you and only you. You know it will make an impact on anyone in the cast and anyone in audience watching. If someone out there can see how passionate you are in acting, maybe Zen can too. Maybe he can see how passionate you are in everything. Maybe….

 

“And you….you have always been with me….I haven’t thought of anyone but you, my love.” 

 

You turn to see Zen, the end of his monologue directed towards you. The look in his eyes is one you wish he could give you outside of his character. His gaze bears into every fiber of your being. This is the brilliance of his acting. You hold your hand out to him and he takes it, kissing your knuckles gently. Your line is next. 

 

“Do you really love me, Captain?” 

 

“Oh, I love you more than life itself. I love you to the moon and back.” 

 

Zen pulls you close by your waist until you’re both touching. His fingers dance up your arm and past your shoulder to take your chin in his hand. This makes you look up at him and you smile. You know that from far away no one can see the intense look in your eyes but you don’t care. This moment is just for the two of you. You’re going to act the shit out of this scene if it’s the last thing you ever do. There’s so much feeling behind your eyes. So much love. And he can’t see it. He can’t see it as anything else but acting. You hand graces his cheek. 

 

“Then can we stay like this forever, Captain? Will you be with me and love me always?” 

 

“I promise all that and more.” 

 

You can feel the tears start to well up as you continue to look at each other and the music swells as the last chorus begins. You and Zen sing your hearts out with the rest of the ensemble, never moving from your position until you both look out at the audience. The stage lights drown out the people but they start to sting your eyes as your tears fall. You’re happy on the outside but you feel as though you’re dying on the inside. Zen notices and, as if he knows how much this show meant to you, he wipes your tears away, making you look at him as he does so. This isn’t supposed to happen at the end of the show, but it being the final one, your emotions have taken over and you slightly break character as you weep. With his eyes on you again, you try your hardest to do what the director said and just stare, but you can’t help it and with a swift movement, you pull him close and kiss him. The audience erupts into applause as the chorus sings the last few notes and the curtain starts to fall. The salt from your tears mixes in with the sweet taste of the kiss but you don’t care. This is what matters now. You are who he is in love with. Even if it’s for two more seconds onstage and never again. You are in his arms. You are his leading lady. You. You.  _ You. You… _

 

“You okay?” he whispers as he pulls away from you once the curtain is down. 

 

All you can do is nod. There is immense pain inside your heart. You choke back a sob as someone hands you a tissue. Zen guides you towards him and then you’re against his chest. You swear you can hear his heart beating fast through his costume and you try to calm yourself in thinking that it’s that fast because of you and your kiss. He hugs you until the curtain rises for the final bows. The ensemble bows first and when it’s your turn, Zen presents you and holds your hand tightly. You squeeze his hand and never let go...until the curtain doesn’t rise any longer and the work lights turn on. Your lip trembles and another sob escapes your chest. Zen hugs you again. 

 

“You did a phenomenal job. I can’t tell you how much fun I had working with you. And that improv at the end? I don’t think I could have done it better.” 

 

He strokes your hair and you almost want to become limp in his arms and confess your love right there. But you can’t. Not now. Not when you’re this vulnerable. You wipe at your eyes and blow your nose into the tissue. 

 

“Thank you. I….I don’t...I don’t want it to end….I love this character so much...I don’t know if I’ll be able to play someone like her again…” 

 

“You will.” 

 

He offers you his arm and you take it, heading back to the dressing room to begin the strike. As you take your makeup off, you can see just how upset you really are. When everything is put away and all the set has been taken down, the assistant director invites everyone to a late after party at the director’s lavish apartment. Everyone is going, including Zen, and you quickly change into a black dress and heels. You fix yourself up one last time in the dressing room before heading to your car to go to the party. 

 

Zen takes a ride with the assistant director, so you’re alone in the ride there. Luckily, your crying has ceased and you decide that for this party, you’re going to have a fucking great time.

 

* * *

 

It’s 2:30 AM and you’ve been drinking all night. 

 

The party has been raging for hours and you’re on your fifth strong cocktail. You’re upset and want the entire production to start over, just so you can enjoy that time onstage with Zen again. You’ve sung your drunk heart out with castmates in karaoke and eaten fondue and dipped strawberries into a chocolate fountain. Your dress looks tight and sexy as ever and you feel like you can do nothing wrong. 

 

But you’ve been avoiding Zen the entire night. 

 

It’s not like you’ve purposefully been doing it, he just hasn’t come to talk to you. You think maybe he doesn’t want to see you, but that’s definitely not it. Actually, you haven’t seen him at all the whole party. Slight glimpses yeah, but every time you catch one, he disappears out of your sight. 

 

_ He’s probably talking to that fucking RFA girl  _ **_again_ ** _.  _

 

Even in the state you’re in, you don’t want to be mean, no matter how much you want to hate this girl. You down the rest of your drink and decide, what the hell? Let’s go find Zen and ask him to party with you. If you weren’t going to see him for a while, you might as well let loose and have some sort of interaction before you go home. 

 

You stumble slightly through the party, music playing and lights flaring. It seems no one is ready to go home yet and you dance a bit as you pass by fellow castmates. You ask a few if they’ve seen Zen and no one seems to know. It isn’t until you find a bedroom door slightly ajar that to find him. 

He’s lying on the bed and has the phone up against his ear. His eyes are closed and he’s whispering soft musings into the device. You watch him a bit, your vision starting to blur as your fifth drink catches up to your brain. 

 

“I’m going to go home now. I know you sound worried...don’t be. I’ll call you when I get there, even if you’re asleep. I can’t wait to talk to you again. Sweet dreams, babe.” 

 

He hangs up and turns, jumping a little to see you standing there. You start to forget why you’re there in the first place and your drunk self starts to talk for you. 

 

“Zenny! I’ve been lookin’ for ya!” 

 

You can’t really tell because of how drunk you are, but his brows furrow a little as he hears the liquor slur your voice. 

 

“Are you okay?...how many drinks did you have tonight?” 

 

“Who….who cares?....all that matters….is that you’re here….and I’m here...and we’re both fuckin’ here right?” 

 

You shuffle awkwardly towards him and slip a little, causing him to get pinned underneath you. Your head dips down next to his, over his shoulder, and you giggle. 

 

“You smell so nice….mmm….I could….I could eat you up right now….will you let me?” 

 

He starts to worry and gingerly pushes you off of him until you’re sitting next to him on the bed. You close your eyes, hum happily, and rest your head on his shoulder. 

 

“I think I should take you home. You’re definitely not sober enough to drive. I don’t want you getting hurt….or worse….” 

 

You gasp and a small hiccup escapes afterward. Your cheeks turn red from embarrassment but also from how intoxicated you are. 

 

“You mean that?...oh, that’s so nice of you…..I just….I just….I want to take you home with meee….” 

 

He chuckles nervously and helps you stand up. You lean against him and move his hand to your waist. This makes him blush as he can feel the curves and dips under your tight dress but he pushes those kinds of thoughts to the back of his mind. You’re drunk and he knows you’ll do things you wouldn’t normally do in your sober state, so he just continues to tell himself if you’re being overly flirty he should just ignore it. 

 

Zen leads you out of the party after saying goodbye to a few and telling them he’s making sure you get home safe. When you’re outside, the cool air causes you to trip. He catches you and helps you slip out of your heels. Your car is easy to find and when you get there, he helps you lean against it. 

 

“Keys?” 

 

“In hereeee….mmm….are you gonna take me home?” 

 

“Yeah, I am.” 

 

“Will you tuck me in and kiss me goodnight?” 

 

“Um….sure….sure I will….” 

 

“Will you tell me you…..you…..” You hiccup again as he helps you look for your keys inside your purse. 

 

He ignores the question and gets you in the car, buckled and comfy, as he gets into the driver’s side. The drive home isn’t quiet at all. You say a bunch of things you would never tell him out loud. But you’re drunk and he knows you’ll forget you said them in the morning. He hopes he can too. 

 

“Zennnnn!” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“Have I ever told you how fucking handsome you are?” 

 

“You have.” 

 

“Mm….well you are….! And….I….I want to kiss you….and I want to pull you into my room and have….hehe…..have my way with you.” 

 

“You don’t mean that….you’re just...really tired right now. Don’t you feel tired?” 

 

Your hand makes its way up his arm and onto his shoulder, poking his cheek with each word you utter. 

 

“I want you to...mmm….I want you to have fun with me….will you?” 

 

“I’ll make sure you’re safe. That will be fun. It’s already fun. Just relax, okay?” 

 

You cross your arms and pout. 

 

“You’re no fun….do you not like me?.....aren’t I pretty enoughhh? Hmmm?....don’t you want to touch me?...” 

 

He sighs, pulling up to your apartment and parking the car in its usual spot. He helps you out of the car and gets you to the door. You lean against him again and start singing your solo from the play softly. You emphasize certain words with little pats onto his shoulder or his face or somewhere lower….

 

He stiffens up and takes your hands before you can cause anything to salute to you. Even though he wasn’t in love with you, a girl as pretty as you could definitely make the beast inside him emerge. You were dangerously close to doing that but he wasn’t going to take advantage or hurt you. You continued singing as he slowly led you to your room and onto your bed. You pull him on top of you this time and wrap your legs around his waist. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

“Mmm….Zen….tell me I’m beautiful….you never tell me that everrrr…..” 

 

Your arms wrap around his neck tightly and you pull him close so your bodies are touching. 

 

“You’re drunk….you’ll be more beautiful to me if you relax and go to sleep….it’s bedtime.” 

 

“The perfect time to have...hehe...a handsome maaann in my bed with meee.” 

 

The sober you inside your head is desperately trying to get out but your drunk self won’t let her. Instead of letting go, you start to grind your hips against his and arch your back so your breasts press against his chest. His face turns about a million shades more red than his eyes and he can feel his pants start to get tighter as you start to arouse him a little. 

 

“I...I can’t do this….you need to sleep….please…” 

 

“Why noooot?....aren’t I pretty?....don’t you want to make me feel good?....make me feel goooodd Zen….” 

 

His forehead presses against yours and he pleads with you. 

 

“Please...let me go….I can’t do this…..I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.” 

 

His pleading starts to make your drunken state wilt away a little but your grip is still so tight around him. He asks again with a different push this time. 

 

“I can’t do what you want me to….I know you’re drunk and saying things you don’t mean….but if it….will make you let go….I….I think I love someone. I need to go talk to her right now. Please let me talk to her…” 

 

Even behind the muddy eyes of your drunk persona, you can see the pain and the worry and the hurt in his eyes. Your grip on him loosens completely and he lifts himself off of you and helps you into your bed the proper way. He tucks you in and moves the hair from your face. 

 

“....Zen?....” 

 

He hold your hand gently as he raises his brows. 

 

“Yes?”

 

Your words slur and your eyes are shut but he can see the slight uncomfortableness in your face. He chalks it up again to how drunk you are. 

 

“...I wish I could be your ‘love’ forever….” 

 

The reference to ‘love’ only solidifies his notion that you’re talking about wanting to do the play all over again and he smiles softly, the awkwardness from moments before fading. He squeezes your hand and you hum the ending song as you drift to sleep, Zen joining you a little. When he knows you’re definitely out, he brushes your hair back again and leans down to kiss your cheek. 

 

“....you’ll always be my favorite leading lady….” he whispers. 

 

He writes a note to you and leaves it on your bedside table before walking home. He doesn’t live too far, but he hurries home to dial the girl from the RFA again. Knowing you’re safe at home puts him at ease and he forgets all about what just happened once he hears that sweet voice on the phone ask him about his final performance. 

 

_ You dream about him that night. But she’s there too. He casts you aside and kisses her in front of you. The ground shakes, but only underneath you, and you’re swallowed  whole by the earth. The darkness surrounds you and you are surrounded by the loud wailing only drunken dreams can muster.  _

 

Your alarm wakes you the next morning and a massive headache thuds inside your head. You can’t remember what happened last night, but the same burning sensation engulfs your cheek as you know exactly what’s causing it. 

  
You scurry into the bathroom to shower where your tears mix with the warm water that gently graces your face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, for those who are unaware of what strike is (as it's mentioned in the chapter): In theater, strike is when the whole cast and crew work together to take the sets down, put the costumes up, and clean after the final performance. It's mandatory in pretty much every theater company ever run ever. Participating in strike shows professionalism and care towards the company and the production. :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While buying a hangover cure, you run into Zen. He tells you about the RFA party. Bad luck strikes when he hurts his ankle and you decide to visit him the same night someone else gets to see him....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slow updates. I'm working on a new Zen fic (smut/fluff with Zen becoming a daddy!) with a co-author. I'm excited for it and will post the first chapter up soon. I'm also in school and have rehearsals for a production of 'Mulan' as well so that's eating away at my time. Don't worry, I'm writing whenever I have a break. Hope you all enjoy this sadness. More to come soon!

It feels like forever when you finally emerge out of the shower, looking in the steamy mirror to make sure all of the makeup you slept in has been washed off. When most of the steam has evaporated, you check up close at your face. That’s when you swear you can see the heat from Zen’s kiss on your cheek, almost like a sunburn. It’s not really there, but it feels like you’re wearing some sort of filter that makes it so. You realize then that you’re in love with him to the point where even his touch can affect you physically. 

 

Taking a deep breath, you emerge from the bathroom in a towel and glancing over where your bed is, you see the little note Zen left for you the night before. You pick it up and see in his nice handwriting what he wrote down. 

 

_ I hope you sleep well. Make sure you eat something to cure a hangover. Please take care of yourself. Don’t drink too much at the next party. If you do decide to, please tell me so that I can take you home. I don’t know what I would have done if someone else had taken you. Be safe.  _

 

_ -Zen _

 

You feel the throbbing in your head then as your hangover finally catches up to you. The sweet but poignant tone of Zen’s letter makes your heart jump around like a small puppy. You hold the note close to your chest, to tame your heart, and then set it back where it was. 

 

Your phone bings with a text and the loud noise makes your head throb more. You check your phone and see that a director you know is holding auditions for a new production. Responding to the casting call, you schedule yourself for one, hoping that Zen will too. 

 

The pain in your head and the yucky feeling you get whenever you have a massive hangover forces you to dress in your favorite comfy clothes to go out to the nearby convenience store to get a gyeondyo-bar. The sunlight outside makes your headache worse and your eyes burn. Walking into the store, you hurry to the freezer the ice cream is located in. You take more than one bar because you don't know whether you'll need more later.  _ It’s always good to be prepared.  _ You think. Especially since you’re sure the amount you drank last night will be repeated sometime soon. You pay for the bars and exit, opening one immediately and start to lick it. 

 

Outside, you see that more people have started their day. You take a longer way back home to try and enjoy the sights. You’re not aware of what happened last night other than knowing that Zen took you home. You smile to yourself at the thought of him carrying you to your bed and kissing you goodnight. You can almost feel his lips on your cheek from the memory of it happening multiple times now. Your eyes close as you stop walking and enjoy the soft breeze that’s picked up during your stroll. The spot you’ve stopped in is the middle of a small park near your apartment. The sound of kids laughing and playing and dogs barking calms your nerves as the ice cream dulls your headache. You open your eyes when you hear a familiar voice in the distance. 

 

Your heart leaps a bit, knowing Zen is definitely nearby and when you look around, he’s looking out at the skyline from a binocular spot. His back is facing you and he’s not looking through the binoculars, but is on the phone. You take a bite of the ice cream, wincing as the cold surges through your teeth. You can just hazard a guess as to who he’s talking to. With no desire to hear his conversation, you simply watch him, your thoughts distracting you from any sounds. It seems a bit creepy just watching him, but no one around seems to notice you. 

 

He’s wearing dark jeans with equally dark shoes. A gray jacket covers his shirt but you assume it’s also a dark or grayish color. His long white hair is in its signature ponytail and it cascades down his back between his shoulder blades. Your hands touch together, remembering the way his hair feels in them. It’s exactly what it looks like it feels: soft and silky, especially between your fingers. You had such a fun time getting to touch it during the play, no getting to touch  _ him  _ during the play. And like what everyone else says: everything about him oozes with perfection. You look at him again. His legs are long and in the tight jeans he’s wearing, you can see that working out definitely does his body good. He’s leaning against the binoculars in a casual way and the relaxed position makes you think that he’s having a nice conversation. 

 

The cold of the ice cream numbs your mouth a bit and you decide to head home, hoping he doesn’t notice you. A soft tap on your shoulder tells you otherwise. You slowly turn around and your eyes meet red. 

 

“My leading lady, you’re out and about today.” 

 

You smile bashfully, ice cream running down the side of your mouth. He points to his own to show you where and you immediately wipe it with the back of your hand. 

 

“Uh….y-yeah...just….just getting a gyeondyo-bar. I have a hangover….”

 

It’s Zen whose face turns red this time as he remembers exactly what happened last night. He scratches the back of his head and chuckles awkwardly. 

 

“I’m sorry to hear that….but...I’m glad you’re doing better than last night. You were really….drunk…” 

 

You shrug, “I’m going to miss everyone. I’m going to miss all we worked hard to do. It’s natural…..did you….get the director’s text today?” 

 

“About that new audition? Yeah, I just came from there. I think I’m going to get the lead. They offered me the part. We actually took pictures for it already.” 

 

He shows you a photo on his phone of him in a black wig and hat, stage lights ablazing. You smile and look back at him.

 

“I’m auditioning too.” 

 

Your headache is dulled enough for you to get excited about possibly working with Zen again. 

 

“Then I look forward to seeing you. I know you’ll make it.” 

 

He winks at you and looks at his phone one more time. 

 

“So..what are you doing here?” you ask. 

 

“Oh, I was heading home from the audition. I like walking through this park a lot.” 

 

“Me too! I take the long way home from the convenience store….I got multiple bars…..” 

 

You hold up the bag to show him. He chuckles again before speaking. 

 

“It really is a beautiful park. But I have to go home. I’m going to practice extra hard for this role, especially since it was offered to me. I know I’ll see you soon.” 

 

He gives your shoulder a little squeeze before walking away. You watch him as he waves and you start to head home. Then you hear him call your name. You turn to see him shouting to you. 

 

“I almost forgot! You’re going to get a party invite!” 

 

“A party?”

 

“Yeah! The RFA party! I asked the coordinator to invite the cast! You’re all important people and there will be a lot of other important people at the party who will want to associate with you all! I want you to come, okay?”

 

Your cheeks burn. Zen wants you to go to the party. The party he always talked about. The party where you can look your absolute best. The party that could make your career fly. Zen wants you to be there. He thinks you’re important. 

 

“Okay! I’ll be there!” you assure him. 

 

He gives you a thumbs up before waving and turning around to go home again. 

 

What are you going to wear to this party?

 

* * *

 

_ There was a time you thought you could handle pain.  _

 

_ In middle school, you broke your forearm straight in half. Both bones were snapped. It hurt so badly. That’s when you started acting. You joined clubs and participated in community theater a lot. But when you broke your arm, you felt like you couldn’t do anything. Of course, you had gotten back into the swing of things once it healed just fine. But the constant pain you’d feel in your arm from then on was always due to weather. Or even how you felt. When your high school crush asked you out, you felt pain. When you graduated with high honors the nervousness you felt giving a speech, you felt pain. The day you realized you were in love with Zen, you felt pain.  _

 

_ “I don’t know why I heal fast, I just do. I guess it’s a mutation in my genes...at least that’s what my friend Seven says.”  _

 

_ “Well...whatever you have I wish I had back in middle school when I  broke my arm. Healing in a day is unheard of, Zen.”  _

 

_ “What can I say? I’m just so handsome, even my bones are pretty perfect, regardless of whether they’re broken or not.”  _

 

_ You had rolled your eyes but laughed at his silly quip, “I’m sure they are. But really...you should take care of yourself. Even if you heal fast.”  _

 

_ “I know. And I try to. Thanks for worrying.”  _

 

_ “You’re….imp….my friend...I care.”  _

 

_ You felt pain in your arm then, too. _

 

* * *

 

It was a few weeks later when you had gotten a part in the new production with Zen. You were so excited to be working with him again. And to be close to him. You weren’t the female lead, but you were a character that always stuck by Zen’s. It mimicked real life in a way. You had just gotten to rehearsal when news that Zen wouldn’t be there was being whispered throughout the cast. A friend who knew both of you walked up and whispered. 

 

“Hey, did you hear about Zen?” 

 

“What happened?” 

 

“He hurt his ankle. Like...broke it, I think.” 

 

Your eyes widen and a small gasp escapes your throat. 

 

“I know! I wonder what the director is going to do now. He doesn’t know and no one has the guts to tell him.”

 

“I’m sure...I’m sure Zen will tell him.” 

 

You quickly text him: 

 

**[** **_Are you okay? People at rehearsal said you got hurt._ ** **]**

 

He was slow to respond but he did answer:

 

**[** **_Yeah I did. I don’t know what to tell the director. I feel so stupid. And do you know what’s worse?_ ** **]**

 

You text back, a slew of different things running through your mind of what he could say: 

 

**[** **_What??_ ** **]**

 

Rehearsal ends before he texts you back:

 

**[** **_I got a bigger offer for a role with a TV star. Echo Girl or something….I think I’m taking that role instead._ ** **]**

 

**[** **_Oh.._ ** **]**

 

**[** **_I’m sorry if that seems bad...but it’s a big opportunity. And I’m injured too which sucks even more. I don’t know what to do…_ ** **]**

 

You want to tell him how you feel right then and there because you want him to feel better. But you don’t dare because you’re too afraid of what he’ll say because of how hurt he is. You know that big opportunities like this should be taken. You would do the same. Even if it meant not getting to see Zen. Acting was your soul. It was his too. 

 

**[** **_You should take it, Zen._ ** **]**

 

**[** **_You think?_ ** **]**

 

**[** **_Not everyone gets the opportunity. You could get big. I support you. And I hope you feel better._ ** **]**

 

**[** **_That’s what MC told me too….I’m glad you agree._ ** **]**

 

The mention of that girl makes you sigh sadly. You decide to stop the conversation.

 

**[** **_I guess come see the show when it opens, okay? I want to see yours too. Echo Girl’s popularity can help you. Lots of big TV people will be watching you._ ** **]**

 

**[** **_I will. I want to see you. I’m sorry I can’t work with you like we thought. Have a goodnight. :)_ ** **]**

 

You decide not to send a reply after all. It stays in your typed message before you delete it:

 

**[** **_Don’t worry about me. I don’t matter._ ** **]**

 

You know he’d tell you that you do matter. You matter so much. That you’re a great friend. But nothing else. It’s useless to even have that conversation no matter how badly you want to hear him say that you matter to him. Because you really don’t. At least not in the way he matters to you.

 

* * *

 

A day passes and you hear nothing from Zen. You assume that he’s worried about himself, which he should be, but you can’t help but want to see him. You want to make him at least feel better. Since his ankle is limiting his mobility for the time being, you buy him some groceries when you’re done with rehearsal for the day. It was hard seeing the director so frustrated with him and you heard that Zen didn’t say anything other than he was sick. It’s late at night, but you decide to take the groceries over to him anyway. Maybe you can spend some time alone with him and convince him to return to your production. Zen will have to tell the director of his new opportunity at some point. You figure you’re at least good at getting him to do things like that, especially telling the truth.

 

The walk from the store isn’t long, but you take the park route again. There are still people out and about and the lights all over the street shine brightly. They’re nothing compared to the stars in the sky but you feel safe walking down the same paths couples are or groups of teens hanging out to stargaze. You have a small spring in your step. You’re going to surprise Zen! You’ve never done something like this before and you feel like you can make him feel at least a little better. This boost of confidence is fueling your want to be around him. Nothing matters in this moment except you and Zen spending time together. 

 

You carry the groceries in both hands. Inside the bags are things you thought he’d need: fruit, vegetables, bread, beer, and more homemade cookies since he mentioned he liked them so much. As you near his house, you notice a long black limo parked out front. Your excited demeanor changes to one of confusion as your brows knit together in question. 

 

“....who could that be?” 

 

Zen wouldn’t have guests this late at night, or at least you think he wouldn’t since he’s always so busy. But since he’s injured, you’re not sure who would be visiting. You get closer to the car and the driver’s window is open. He doesn’t seem to notice you stopped close enough to listen to what he’s saying. 

 

“Yes...Mr. Han….yes. She’s not out yet. Well sir…..he shut the door on me. And he said he’d have her out of here whenever they’re done...No, I’m sure they’re speaking to each other. They’re on the roof, sir….”

 

You almost drop the the bags on the ground as you know exactly who is here. This is Jumin Han’s driver. He brought that girl,  _ MC.  _ She’s here to see Zen. She beat you to it. You look up at the rooftop of Zen’s house and see them, staring up at the sky together. You move closer to see what this girl looks like. She’s very pretty. Long brown hair, a small frame. You can’t see her eyes, but you’re sure they’re stunning. Looking down at your attire, you feel like it’ll look like you’re not even trying. This girl is wearing a nice sweater and looks put together. You’re sweaty and in grubby sweats and a tshirt. Your hair is up and out of your face. You have no makeup on. Compared to this girl, you look awful. A wave of embarrassment washes over you and you can’t help but say ‘fuck it’ to your earlier notion of not wanting to eavesdrop. Shuffling as quietly as possible so the driver nor Zen can hear you, you move up against the wall of the building. You slide closer so you’re directly underneath them as they talk. You can pick up bits and pieces. Zen is the one who mostly talks the whole time. 

 

He talks about his family. You’ve never heard of them until now. It breaks your heart to learn that he ran away from home because they didn’t support him. Your hand covers your mouth to stifle any gasps or eventual sobs. His story has you in tears. The worst part is he’s confessing all this to someone else. You’re just listening in. He has no idea you’re even there.  _ Like always.  _ You put your head into your knees and continue to listen. There’s that familiar pang of pain shooting up your arm and into your heart. It hurts to hear him speak to someone else so casually and yet so intimately. You can tell when he’s looking at her or up at the sky. You shut your eyes and pray it ends soon. Nothing prepares you for the sweet words that leave Zen’s lips just then. 

 

“Can I…...can I hold your hand?” he asks the girl. 

 

She answers almost immediately. Her voice sounds sweet too, “Hold it tight and never let go.” 

 

Your entire body feels like it’s shutting down. You hear them quickly wrap up the conversation and Zen mentions sending her home. She softly protests, wanting to stay and it’s in that moment that you try to think of what to do now. You take your phone out, quickly wipe your eyes of tears, and start to type Zen a text telling him you dropped off groceries and hope he feels better. You don’t want to see him now. Not after hearing him spill his heart out to someone else. Before you send anything, you hear the voices leave the rooftop above you. They’ve gone back inside and you’re still deciding whether or not to wait for her to leave when the door opens. Zen doesn’t take her outside because of his ankle, but you watch as the girl leaves and is ushered into the car. It drives off and you hear Zen’s door close. Almost immediately after that, you scurry from the bushes, leave the items in front of the door, and run in the direction of your apartment. When you’re far enough away, you hit send on your phone: 

 

**[** **_Hey. I thought you might need some groceries so I left them at your door. Sorry I couldn’t see you, I was in a bit of a hurry home. I hope you feel better, Zen. I think your ankle will heal in no time. It’s weird not seeing you at rehearsal but I know you’ll do well in the Echo Girl production. Have a good night. I also left something in the bag for you. Hope you enjoy it._ ** **]**

 

The rest of the walk home lets you think about everything. Zen has never been that open with anyone. At least, not that you’ve seen. He never told you about his family or his past.  _ He probably doesn’t trust me that much... _ you think. It hurts more than it ever has before. You have a feeling it’ll only get worse. But your love for Zen is bigger than your pain. He’s still a big part of your life, no matter how painful it is to see him with someone else. You know he’s falling for her. It’s so obvious. The way you know he looked at her was the way he looked at you for 2 hours on stage. And now, that was over. It seems like things can’t get any worse for you. When you get home, you flop on your bed and cry. Crying seems to help somewhat because when you finally stop, you feel at least a little better. You’ve gotten so used to it by now that it became the best coping mechanism. 

 

With all the running home, you hadn’t felt your phone buzz with a reply from Zen. You open it: 

 

**[** **_You’re so kind, thank you. I actually did get groceries earlier today, but I could always use more. And thanks for the cookies. You remembered that I liked them. :) I’m so grateful to have you as a friend. You worry about me and not many people do. But I also feel happy because I got to meet the girl I was telling you about tonight. I can’t wait for you to meet her at the party. I’m going to eat those cookies now. Good night._ ** **]**

 

You sigh, too tired to cry when reading this text. Falling asleep is easy and you sleep well for having just cried for a good half hour. There is no dream this time but sleep prepares you for the busy day of rehearsing you have ahead. However, nothing prepares you for what you hear on the news the next day.

 

* * *

 

It’s everywhere.

 

No one will shut up about it. 

 

If things were not so good for Zen so far, they just got a whole lot worse. 

 

**_“Echo Girl has accused the musical actor, Zen, of sexual harassment. The performer claims that the actor almost forced himself onto her last night at his home. The two are slated to star in a new production together, but it seems Echo Girl is not having any of it.”_ **

 

The news makes you angry. You know Zen would never do something like that, to anyone. It’s all anyone can talk about at rehearsal. Worry and stress start to take over your brain. There’s nothing you can do but stand by him and support him. 

 

The next time you see him, you decide, you’ll look drop dead gorgeous. The RFA party is in a few days and in light of this scandal, you want him to notice you. If it’ll distract him from all that’s happening, maybe he’ll return to your production. There has been no replacement brought in for him. All you can do now is wait and prepare. 

  
Prepare for the oncoming storm. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In preparation for the RFA party, you buy a dress. Reminiscing about Zen and memories as a child spark your desire to tell him how you truly feel. There's no holding back now. You want him to cherish you and your deeply held secret. But how will you tell him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I wanted to write longer chapters, but I had to at least give a small update before the real meat of the story is presented to you all. Enjoy this small chapter. I, like a lot of others, are doing finals and things. I'm almost done with portfolios of CRW work and after that I'll be free until June when I study abroad for 2 weeks. I'll be sure to update if I can overseas!

Rehearsals suck. When the director yells at you or someone else in the cast, everyone can feel it. There’s a camaraderie that isn’t flowing because Zen isn’t there. Frustration is clouding the entire production. You’ve tried to talk to him but after witnessing what you did a few nights ago, you’re not sure if you’re ready to speak to him just yet. 

 

Your arm hurts at the thought of overhearing what he had said that night. Your stomach churns in disgust at someone accusing him of sexual harassment. It’s all the news will talk about. Jumin Han’s name was mentioned too and you know that whatever organization the RFA really is isn’t what the reporters say it to be. While you wallow in your own feelings, others in the cast ask you for details about Zen and his possible scandal. You brush it off, telling them you know nothing even when you’re accused of hanging out with him the most. Constant dismissal of the subject just makes them all gossip more amongst themselves but at least they stop bothering you. 

 

It isn’t until you realize that the RFA party is in a few days and you have nothing to wear. Looking through your closet you find nothing that you think will make him go  _ Damn… _ or make his jaw drop. You lie on your bed and speak out loud, your eyes closed. It may sound weird to other people, but you tend to have imaginary conversations with Zen as if you two were together. It helped you think and plan things out, especially since you knew him so well. 

 

_ “Babe….” _ he would say. 

 

You frown and cover your eyes with your arm. 

 

“ _ Babe, what’s wrong? Can’t you tell me? _ ” 

 

“....I have nothing to wear for the party….nothing you would like…” 

 

“ _ Oh you don’t have to worry about that….” _

 

“But I do….I really do, Zen….I have to impress you. How can you ever notice me otherwise?”

 

“ _ Anything you’d wear I would think you look gorgeous in. It’s not the clothes on the body that matter, Babe. It’s the heart inside the body. If I am as wonderful as you say I am, you would know that. _ ” 

 

You fight tears as they run down your cheeks and onto the soft cotton of your bedsheets, “...you  _ are  _ wonderful and I  _ know  _ you wouldn’t say I look bad but….I just want you to notice me...just once...how can I compete with that girl?....how can I ever be something other than a friend to you?” 

 

Zen’s imaginary self would sit on the bed next to you and move your arm. He’d help you sit up and wipe away your tears. He’d kiss you until you smiled. Even if he’s just imaginary, you know in your heart that he would do all of these things. That’s just the kind of person he is. While thinking of what he would say next, you hear your text message alert. Picking up your phone you see it’s your good friend who was also invited to the party with the cast. She’s going dress shopping and you decide to go with her. Unlike most people at the moment, the cast invited is a very tight knit group and they know Zen and how he really is as a person. You’re happy that at least you’ll be going to the party with other people, regardless of what’s being said in the news. You reply to your friend, deciding to forget about the imaginary conversation you’re currently having and go out. 

 

Imaginary Zen dissipates and you go to the cabinet nearest the fridge in your kitchen. Inside is a jar labeled  _ Rainy Day Fund _ with lots of cash stuffed inside it. You don’t take the entire jar but stick your hand in to make sure you have just enough to possibly purchase a new dress. You still want to look good as there will be potential sponsors at the party. Your friend, Ji Yun, comes to pick you up and the both of you spend the day finding just the right thing to wear. In a matter of hours, there’s a gorgeous dress in the bag you carry in your arms and a soft spring in your step. You’re going to look amazing and you’re sure you’re going to at least knock Zen out for at least a little while. 

 

* * *

 

_ “Does this costume really work for me?”  _

 

_ Zen had rolled his eyes when you asked that question. When you had landed the other lead role opposite him a few months ago, you were really excited to have costume fittings at the same time. There was a soft hush in the room when you had walked out of the dressing room. Everyone was mesmerized at how you looked. Though, looking into the mirror, you weren’t sure. It was a period piece and the way the collar and sleeves hugged your figure, a small twinge of fear had started to pool in your stomach. Zen was quick to convince you otherwise.  _

 

_ “Of course it does! Look there, that gorgeous girl is staring right back at you. And the handsome man next to her just completes the look.”  _

 

_ He pointed to the both of you in the mirror. Of course he looked amazing, he had always looked amazing. In his fitted coat and waistcoat with tailored trousers he looked like a man out of time. The costumers fussed over the both of you before the director approved. You had looked back into the mirror again. Zen put his hand on your shoulder.  _

 

_ “I think I can see it.”  _

 

_ “See? It’s no wonder you got cast as my leading lady. You have the look and the charm and the acting skills to sell it to anyone. You’re going to knock ‘em all dead. Trust me. I already really like what we’ve got going together.”  _

 

_ He had lifted your hand to his lips and kissed your knuckles softly. You had tried extremely hard not to blush. He had winked. There was no turning back from your feelings.  _

 

* * *

 

Tomorrow is the party. You’re thinking about that specific memory of trying on costumes with Zen months back. It still makes your heart swell with joy at the thought of him looking at you and saying how gorgeous you are. A small part of you casts doubt he actually meant it at the time, but you quickly push those negative thoughts away. Because you think about all of these things, all of these feelings you have, you think of her too. You think of what you heard him say to her that night on the rooftop. You think about just how much in love with her he probably already is. You think about how he’s not yours to claim in any way, shaper, or form. You think about taking your feelings for him to the grave. What good would it do to tell him how you feel? While you think about these things, you remember about how your mother had confessed her feelings to your father. Even when you were very young, you always loved hearing the story. Your parents were tight knit and they loved each other. You had always wanted a love like theirs and you thought you had found it with Zen. Closing your eyes, you remember her story: 

 

_ “When I met your father, I knew he was the one. I had thought of him almost every day. That’s when you know it, my sweet girl. When you think of that one person every single day you see them or don’t. I’d dream of him. I’d practice how I’d talk to him the next time I saw him. My knees would go weak when I was around him. He made me feel like I was important not just in the world, but to him. It sounds cheesy, I know, but when I looked at him I never saw anyone else. But I was also afraid. I was afraid he wouldn’t love me back. There had been a few close calls when I tried to confess but it never worked. There was always an interruption. So that’s when I decided that I would write to him. I wrote him a letter. Writing letters in your own hand is so much more personal. It’s like they’re hearing your voice when they read what you’ve written. I just wrote how I felt and I gave it to him. Of course, I regretted it as soon as I handed it to him but if I didn’t...you wouldn’t be here. Lucky for me, your father felt the same way about me. He wrote me back and that’s when I knew we’d be stuck with each other. He completes me. He understands me. I hope you find someone like that one day. You’ll know. When you want to write your innermost feelings. When you can’t whisper any secrets to him in person, write to him. That’s your secrets. He’ll hear your voice when he sees your hands composed a poem for him. He’ll cherish it. I promise.”  _

 

The thought of this raised your expectations instantly. But you could feel it. You wanted to write to him. This secret, hidden deep in your heart, needed to emerge. It needed to be planted. Because you wanted him to know. There could be no more waiting. Even if it killed you, there was an ever-blooming hope that maybe,  _ just maybe _ , Zen could cherish it. If he cherished your secret, he could cherish you. 

 

You sat down at your desk, trying to think of something clever to say after taking out a pen and paper. A few tries left your floor littered with crumpled up pieces of paper. Taking deep breaths seems to calm you down and you decide that flourished and flowery language is too cheesy and boring. Even if Zen uses that sort of vernacular on a daily basis, you want to be real and raw. It has to sound like you. If you can’t tell him how you feel with your voice, he has to hear it from your heart. You start over, sounding more like yourself. 

 

_ Dear Zen,  _

 

_ I hope you’re reading this alone. I’m sure you’re pretty busy with everything going on. I know you’re a wonderful, sweet, and caring person. You would do nothing to purposefully hurt someone. Ever since I met you, I’ve always admired just how dedicated and hard-working you are when it comes to anything, not just acting. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve tried to be a lot like that too. I do a lot of the same acting auditions and things because I know I have talent. I know I can do well. And I know that I can do all those things because when I’m around you I feel like I can do anything. I’m trying to stall this letter because the real thing I want to write down is making me very nervous. I’m a nervous person. Did you know that? I’m actually extremely nervous talking to people. Especially you.  _

 

You stop for a moment and read over what you’ve written. It’s a bit cringey, but you know Zen wouldn’t stop reading it even if he thought so too. After a few minutes of just rereading and planning out how you’ll reveal your secret, you continue. It takes you hours to write this letter. It becomes at least a few pages long when you feel you’re done. It makes you sweat and your arm hurt. It’s exactly what you want to say to him. 

 

Falling asleep is hard that night. The things you confessed in the letter are keeping you awake. When you look over at the clock, it tells you that it’s after midnight. Tomorrow is technically the party. You look over at your desk and sigh. 

  
Zen shouldn’t know your feelings. You have a feeling it’s going to end in disaster. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The party is coming next chapter! Get ready for familiar scenes as Zen confesses his love for MC to the press, while you watch! DUN DUN DUN


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: 11/24/17
> 
> Hi guys! I'm back to write and I've edited this chapter a bit. I took out Zen's POV because it was confusing people and because I didn't like the way it was going so I decided to scrap that element from the story. I hope my next update is soon for you all because I want to get back into it. Thanks for reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope to post another chapter before I leave for my study abroad course in London in a few weeks. I'll post once I get back to the states for sure as well! Hope you all enjoy this chapter. It's been a while coming and I hope you like the direction the story will take for a few more chapters after this. :)

There have been many times in your life where you’ve been afraid. The first you can really remember is the first time you slept over at a friends house. Leaving your parents was a bit scary as a kid, even if for just one night. The next time you remember feeling afraid was the first time you stood up on stage at your first audition in middle school. Sweat had rolled down the back of your neck and your heart felt like you had just run a marathon. The third time you remember was the opening night of the show when Zen had assured you that everything would be fine. Of course, that had been the start of this whole thing. The beginning of what seemed like a never ending cycle of torture. Today is the fourth time you will remember feeling afraid. You are afraid of seeing him. You are afraid of spilling your secret to him. You are afraid of what will happen because of the accusations against him. You are afraid of falling even harder. 

 

It takes all day to get ready for the party. You still have the idea in your head that you’re going to look even better than you have before just for Zen. You take every precaution you need to make sure everything has a place and everything is in its place with your outfit, makeup, and hair. You look like a Hollywood starlet when you emerge from the bathroom to greet Ji Yun, who is giving you a ride to save gas. She gasps and looks you up and down. 

 

“Oh my gosh, you look stunning! Absolutely stunning! This is the same feeling we all got when you came out on stage in full costume the first time!” 

 

“Oh stop….” you blush. 

 

“I’m serious! You’ll be the belle of the ball tonight, no doubt!” 

 

“But I don’t want to be a distraction….”

 

“You’re gorgeous. You’ll be a distraction to all the right people. Now come on! Let’s go!” 

 

She takes you by the arm and you’re both off to the party. When you pull up to the building there are swarms of cameras and tv station vans outside. You aren’t sure of what you should do, and when Ji Yun finally finds a parking space, you both get out and make your way to the entrance. People are taking pictures and some even recognize you from working with Zen in the production. They call your name and you smile your best. People are starting to know who you are. When you get through the crowd of people, a woman with glasses and a short haircut is waiting with a clipboard. She immediately recognizes you. 

 

“Oh! It’s you! You were excellent alongside Zen in the last production. Your name is here on the list.” 

 

Her name tag reads ‘Jaehee Kang’ and you remember that she’s a big fan of Zen. You smile at her and once Ji Yun is also marked off on the list, you enter, thanking Jaehee before going inside. When you enter the large ballroom of people, you see others you recognize. There are people that have sponsored Zen in the past as well as people who look like they could be potential sponsors for you and the theater company. There are people offering drinks and you take one, making sure to not look nervous. You’re anticipating Zen’s arrival. It’s going to be hectic because of the scandal news and you figure the reporters and cameras outside are all there because of it. 

 

You walk around the large ballroom and recognize a few other people who were in the cast with you and it isn’t until you feel a tap on your shoulder that you get nervous again. When you turn around though, it isn’t Zen. It’s a man and woman dressed very professionally. 

 

They ask you your name as if seeing that you are who you are and you nod. 

 

They speak to you with English accents and you’re not sure why they’re speaking to you. 

 

“My name is Anthony Rivers and this is my partner Jillian Smith.” 

 

You nod again and shake their hands. 

 

“Um...it’s nice to meet you. How do you know my name?” 

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, we didn’t even say who we are. Ahem, we’re representatives from the London West End. We saw your performance a few weeks ago. We thought you were absolutely brilliant.” 

 

Your cheeks turn beet red. The English equivalent to Broadway is recognizing you. There is nothing more wonderful than being told your acting was brilliant. You think that maybe this is how Zen must feel often and yet he is still so humble about his acting skills. 

 

“Thank you so much.” you reply. 

 

“We just loved it. And we loved it so much, we have a proposition for you.” 

 

You raise your brows, “A proposition?” 

 

“Yes. Thanks to the amazing actor, Zen, we were able to be invited. We’ve been trying to snag him for our program for years and he always refuses but has always given us wonderful performances. This is the first time we’ve been invited to this party, but we’re so glad to see you here. Miss, we’d like to know if you’d be willing to come and study in our acting program for a year in London. You’ll get to study under some of the world’s best actors in both Shakespeare and contemporary theater. We know you’re very musically inclined, you have such a beautiful voice, and so we’ve gotten some friends from Broadway to come and work with us as well. You’ll get lots of exposure and plenty of opportunities to broaden your acting chops. How does that sound?” 

 

The idea of getting to study in one of the world’s most renowned acting communities makes your head spin and your belly ache in the most wonderful way. These people liked you so much they want you to study under them for an entire year. It’s almost too good to be true. But accepting this venture means leaving Zen and everyone you know. In a year he might not even want to spend time with you when you return. He might even be even more in love with MC within a year. There are so many things holding you back and Zen is one of them. You look back at the two and bite your lip. 

 

“It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. I’m honored to be considered. But, I need to think about it. Is that alright?” 

 

The two of them smile. The woman, Jillian, nods.

 

“Of course, dear! You don’t have to decide right away but just know we are seriously considering you for this. Here is our card. Please call us when you make your decision.” 

 

She hands you a business card with their company name and hers as well as a phone number and email address. You place it in your purse and smile. 

 

“Thank you. It was lovely talking to you.” 

 

They nod and bid you farewell, going to talk to others you recognize from other productions as well at fellow cast members. You sip your wine and try to put this encounter in the back of your mind for later. It’s then that a soft hush warms over the room as Jaehee Kang steps up to the microphone on the small elevated stage. She introduces Zen, who has just arrived. It seems as if he’s giving a press conference. You can do nothing but watch as things unfold.

 

Zen gives a large speech, revealing his past. He mentions his family and how he ran away from home at a young age. You remember hearing him reveal this to MC the night you tried to visit him. A soft prick inside your stomach starts to eat away at you as he continues to reveal secrets. He affirms that Echo Girl went to visit him the night you had eavesdropped.  _ She must have seen him after I left. _ You think. He gives out a packet of information to every reporter that shows Echo Girl was a fan of his long before she met him or became famous. She had even bragged online that she would become his girlfriend. You shake your head in disgust at this girl. He concludes with an eyewitness that saw her flirting and practically climbing all over him, a fish bread seller. You remember seeing him in that neighborhood before and Zen had mentioned to you that his sales went up whenever Zen bought bread from him. The old man gives a detailed account of Echo Girl’s visit to his stand because Zen was standing in front. Everyone in the room speaks to each other in hushed voices and you smile softly, happy that Zen is better and that he’s standing up for himself. You’ve known in your heart this whole time that he’s been truthful and sweet and kind and would never do the disgusting things he’s been accused of. A round of applause resounds throughout the room and you clap with the glass in your hand. But Zen isn’t finished. 

 

“There’s actually something else I have to say.” 

 

He starts to step away from the podium he’s standing behind and he stands on the edge of the stage. Your palms start to sweat. That pain in your arm starts to shoot through your entire body. Your stomach lurches.  _ He’s going to confess his feelings right here and right now.  _ You can feel it in your entire being. 

 

“I do have someone. I have someone I feel like I can be myself around. And she’s here.” 

 

He steps off the stage and starts walking towards the back of the room. You watch as he passes you, not even looking in your direction. He doesn’t look at anyone but her. He scoops up MC into his arms and you can hear him say to her: 

 

“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I just wanted everyone to know that you’re mine.” 

 

Tears well up in your eyes. This is it. Your arm feels as if it’s broken all over again. You want to throw your glass onto the floor. Applause resounds in the room again and they kiss. You clap out of politeness but it makes the shooting pain go all the way to your heart. A tear escapes your eye and you quickly pull out a handkerchief from your purse and wipe it away before anyone sees. You take a few deep breaths and turn away, going to find another waiter with a full champagne glass. When you do, you down the glass in seconds, taking another one from the same platter. The waiter gives you a confused look and you just smile awkwardly. You stand near an exit door, ready to leave if you feel like you can’t handle it any longer. You close your eyes and finish your glass. When you open your eyes, you see Zen coming towards you with MC on his arm. Your eyes widen a bit and you have to force yourself to smile. 

 

_ Someone fucking kill me now.  _ You think to yourself. 

 

Zen greets you with a wave and a small hug. You smile awkwardly the entire time. 

 

“You’re here! I’m so glad you could make it.” he says. 

 

You shake your head, “..uh...it’s really nothing. I...I had to see this party for myself. It’s amazing. You weren’t lying when you said it was always extravagant.” 

 

He smiles, “Thank you. But it’s not just because of me, it’s because of the entire RFA. And I didn’t put it together, MC did. Oh, this is MC. She’s the amazing girl I was telling you about.” 

 

MC smiles at you sweetly and offers her hand. You shake it politely and nod, “It’s nice to meet you.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you too. Zen told me all about your performance. He said you were really good.” 

 

“Oh, thank you.” 

 

She smiles again and Zen puts his arm around her shoulder, “MC is the coordinator. She made this all possible.” 

 

“Wonderful job. Really, I’m honored to be here. Um…”

 

Zen finally looks you up and down and that sincere sweet look in his eyes returns. As if he’s looking at you for the first time in that costume again. 

 

“Wow you look….absolutely gorgeous. My favorite leading lady, you really outdid yourself.” 

 

You shake your head again, “I just wanted to look nice. I might have gone overboard but….I wanted...the right person...um...right people to see me.” 

 

“Oh? Did you talk to anyone?”

 

You don’t mention names but you do just tell him a few people have approached you, asking what it is you do. You’re still trying to figure out what to do with that decision. 

 

“Just a few people. I’m not sure if they know me but, they were all very nice and seemed interested in what I had to say.” 

 

“I’m glad. I asked MC to invite you all so that way everyone could have opportunities to get sponsors.” 

 

You nod, trying not to scream in frustration and anger. MC is just standing there, hanging onto Zen like he’s the only person in the room. You admit that if it were you on his arm you’d be doing the same, but you’d at least be trying to make small talk. You look around awkwardly a bit before Zen breaks the silence again. 

 

“Actually, I forgot to tell you, the night you brought me groceries is the night I finally met MC. She left right before you dropped them off.” 

 

_ And right after you told her everything you’ve never told me. Even though I’ve told you all my secrets but one.  _

 

“Oh...that’s...really nice. I’m sorry about just dropping those off...it was late and I was in a hurry home.” 

 

“It’s no problem. You got me stuff I didn’t get earlier. My fridge is actually full now. I owe you lunch or something.” 

 

You shake your head, “No, you don’t owe me anything. I did it because…..I wanted to. No need to pay me back.” 

 

The tone of your voice is different when you say this to him and he can tell that maybe you’re a bit uncomfortable. He’s never felt that way about you before and it sort of irks him, at least that’s what you can sense when you see the slight change on his face. You’re not sure if he really means you look stunning, but you selfishly know you at least look better than the girl he has his arm around. It’s mean to think that about someone and you sort of dislike yourself because of how you’ve been acting but you can’t help it. Now that Zen has officially announced this girl as his things will never be the same. You think that if he at least dated someone in the industry, the press and fans would get off his back a little. There’s no turning back now and you have so many different things to think about. 

 

“Well...we have to go...talk to other people. I’m so glad you could make it. And….really, you look….gorgeous. I’m surprised someone hasn’t stolen you away.” he says with a wink. 

 

Your cheeks burn a little and you kick yourself internally.  _ You could steal me away if you just opened your eyes…. _

 

He waves and so does MC as they walk away and talk to other guests. You down another glass of champagne and wave back. You take out your purse and look at the business card. 

 

“A whole year….abroad….” you whisper to yourself. 

 

* * *

 

 

When you come home from the party, you’re a bit tipsy but after eating another gyeondyo-bar, you feel better. You sit on your bed and think about the events of today. 

 

Zen looked so mature and cool and handsome up on the stage defending himself. When he strode down the elegant carpet towards MC he looked so in love. Claiming her as his own shattered any semblance of hope you had left for him to be yours. You’re still in your gorgeous dress and you don’t want to take it off. You look at yourself in the mirror and think of Cinderella a little. You’re in a gorgeous gown like her, you saw your handsome prince, but unlike her, you’re magic spell hasn’t worn off. And also unlike Cinderella, the spell didn’t even work on the prince. He didn’t notice you. You flop onto the bed and think the worst. He’s at home now. With her. They’re doing God knows what together. He’s kissing her and not you. He’s holding her close. 

 

“ _ Why are you crying, my love? _ ” Imaginary Zen’s voice asks you. 

 

“I’m not crying…” you lie. 

 

“ _ You are. Please tell me what’s wrong…. _ ” 

 

“Isn’t it obvious?....I’m nothing to you. I’ve never been anything but some colleague.” 

 

“ _ I...don’t know what to say to that… _ ” 

 

“I’m sure you wouldn’t know what to say. Just go away. I don’t even know why I imagine this in the first place.” 

 

“ _ Because you love me. _ ” 

 

You say nothing. 

 

“ _ You should give me the letter. At least tell me how you feel. I know you think I should at least know. Because you’re going to take the offer. _ ” 

 

Imaginary Zen is right. After everything that’s gone down today, you’ve decided to take the offer to go to London for a year. Even though your feelings for Zen have clouded many of your decisions in the past, your career has always been your number one priority. As you’ve admitted to yourself before, he and the other people you’ve worked with would want you to take it. He would do the same if it meant bettering his career and you’ve always admired that about him. But you’ve also made the decision that if you’re going to give him the letter, you’re not going to tell him about London. He’s going to be busy with his new girlfriend to care that much anyway. You’re certain of that. 

 

Imaginary Zen disappears again and you slowly and reluctantly remove your dress, getting ready for bed. The next time you see Zen, you’re going to hand him the letter. Even if it’s the last interaction you have with him for a whole year. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time to finish the letter you promised yourself you'd write to Zen confessing your feelings and going off to discover new things in London on your own. On your way to deliver the letter however an unexpected event arises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who waited patiently for this chapter to arrive. I'm sorry it took so long to write and post but life got in the way a few times and I couldn't sit down to write at all. I'm happy to report that I will be posting and updating all of my works in a more timely manner as I still would like to finish all the ones I've started. Again, thank you to everyone who's read this story and loved it. All your comments really make me happy and I hope you all stay tuned as I know this chapter ends sort of strangely. We're just getting into the meat of the story so I'm excited to see how y'all will react to what happens next. Enjoy and stay tuned very soon for the next chapter!
> 
> I also wanted to give a special shout-out to the tumblr user: alexiatarron They messaged me and had asked me on tumblr if I was updating this and I promised them I'd give them a shout out when I posted! I hope you read and see this! Thanks again. :)

It’s been a good solid week since you’ve last seen Zen. Many a night you’ve stayed up to write each line of your letter and it’s finally finished. Once you hand this to him, it could possibly be all over. He could think you have something wrong with you. He could hate you. He could never want to see you again. But your want for a better career and a better life for yourself is only slightly larger than your love for Zen. 

****

The letter ends up becoming at least four pages long, front to back and all handwritten. Folded nicely and neatly, you place the letter in an envelope and contemplate writing his name in a fancy way or just how you normally write. You decide to do it normally as this letter is the most personal and real thing you’ve ever written. And, as you’ve already decided, he’s probably not going to care all that much either way. However, you decide that looking plain when handing him the letter is not the ideal way to say goodbye. You want to leave looking your best, but also very natural. 

****

Another week goes by after completing the letter and it’s one that occupies your time the most. Meetings with Anthony and Jillian and the rest of their team via Skype and in person really have you jazzed about going. You purchase your plane ticket, one-way, with money you’ve saved up for years. There’s something in the air that tells you change is a good thing. You decide that once you step on that plane, your worries and fears and problems will disappear. 

****

Giving Zen the letter is your final task before leaving. Three days before you’re due for London, you decide to deliver the letter. That way you can cool down at home a few days before departing and to give him time to decide whether or not he’ll do something about it after he reads it. Given your state of mind about everything, you think he’ll probably just toss it after reading it while he skips off into the sunset with MC and live happily ever after. As you’ve thought before though, not doing it will only lead to regret later. Your plan is now set into motion. Waking early, you wear the cutest dress you own, something that you think you look absolutely great it and pair it with knee-high socks, your favorite pair of boots and your coat because the roads have been a bit icy due to the weather. As planned, you do your makeup the most natural but pretty you can do it and your hair falls down naturally on your shoulders. Upon looking at yourself in the mirror, you really like how it turned out and it gives you a big boost of confidence. Going to your desk drawer, you pull out the letter in the envelope and ever so gently place it inside your coat pocket. The last secret you have is taking its final ride with you before someone else takes hold of it.

****

Going through the park, you reach the halfway point when you spot a familiar figure in the distance. It’s him. And he’s not alone. 

****

“Oh great….” you say out loud, your expression faltering. 

****

After a quick deep breath, you decide to continue with your plan. Whether she’s there or not, you’re still going to give him the letter. It’s none of her business anyway and if she ends up reading it, you won’t care because you’ll be far far away. You slide your hand into your pocket and caress the envelope. No turning back now. Walking a bit quicker, you sort of catch up to them as they round a corner. Your pace speeds up now and you lightly jog. When you can sort of hear them talking, you call out his name as they round another corner, this time crossing the street. 

****

“Zen!” you call out again. 

****

Rounding the corner, you see he’s turned around and you have the letter in your hand, holding it out to him. He’s on the other side of the street already and before you can even look to cross everything fades to black. The only sound you hear is the screeching of tires and someone screaming. 

****

* * *

 

_ A soft breeze tickled your neck as you stood outside the stage door. The first dress rehearsal had just ended and you had excused yourself outside to cool off. After a few minutes had passed, the door opened and shut, giving way for Zen to join you outside. _

****

_ “Long day hm?” he asked.  _

****

_ You nodded, “Yeah. But so much fun! It’s days like this when I’m truly the happiest.”  _

****

_ “Why’s that?”  _

****

_ As you gazed back at the last remnants of the setting sun, you shrugged. “Because I can see myself doing this forever. Being here and going on that stage and playing someone I’m not. Being….with you.”  _

****

_ You had looked away when he maneuvered his face to meet yours.  _

****

_ “With me?”  _

****

_ “Well yes….and the others. I...can be myself here. I don’t have to play anyone but myself. Except when I’m playing someone else on stage.”  _

****

_ “I agree wholeheartedly. I’m truly the happiest here too.”  _

****

_ “I like seeing you happy, Zen.”  _

****

_ “I like being happy.”  _

****

_ Having known him for a few years now, you’d known his past with his family. Not a pretty one, but it had never been a sensitive subject to him. He’d been so very open with you.  _

****

_ “I know it’s miles above how you grew up. And I’m really happy for you. You deserve happiness, Zen.”  _

****

_ “Well I am happy. Here with everyone. But….sometimes I think I’m the most happy when I talk to you.” he said.  _

****

_ There was a shared silence between you after he said that. An unspoken promise that somehow you both knew you’d keep. You’d always make each other happy. But it was how that varied between you. He’d make you happy by just existing. And you’d make him happy by...just being a friend. But only in his eyes… _

****

_ Just friends. _

****

* * *

 

Everything is hazy. Sounds are muffled and your sight is bleary. Soft beeps in a rhythmic pattern slowly begin to increase in volume. A heart monitor. Your brain scrambles to come up with an answer to the question of:  _ Where am I?  _ The heart monitor becomes loud enough to a stable volume and then your eyes start to focus. A bright light in the shape of a rectangle is above you. Looking around you realize you’re in a hospital bed. 

****

“The hospital?” you ask aloud. Sitting up, your head starts to thud and you lie back down in defeat from the pain. Slowly moving your hand up to your head, you feel a bandage. Right below your hairline on the side of your forehead. You look down to see that you’re under the blanket and gently lifting it up, your left knee is also bandaged up. Ever so slowly and gently, you move it and it seems fine. Must have only been bruised and cut up. You carefully look over your other leg, arms, and down the front of your hospital gown above and underneath. Everything else is fine. Your bottom lip is split open a little, but a bandage tells you it won’t be for long. You can’t remember what happened but you’re the only one in the room. 

****

Taking a more massive look around, you see that your coat is draped on the chair next to your bed and a small vase of flowers is on a bedside table. Before you can think about how you got here, the door opens and a nurse and doctor come in. 

****

“I see you’re awake now.” the doctor, a young-looking woman in her mid-thirties says. 

****

You nod, “Yes...um...I am.” 

****

The nurse checks on you as the doctor continues to speak. 

****

“Do you know what happened to you, Miss?” 

****

You shake your head, “I don’t remember anything…” 

****

“I see...do you know who you are?” 

****

“Oh, no I don’t have amnesia...I think. I know my name and everything, I just don’t know how I got hurt is all.” 

****

“What’s the last thing you remember?” 

****

You think for a split second and then glance over at your coat.  _ The letter. _

****

“I was...trying to deliver something...a letter to someone.” 

****

“Ah...so that’s what happened. I’ll make note of it. You’ll be able to go home tomorrow, Miss. Your injuries were thankfully nothing too serious save for that gash on your forehead. It might leave a visible scar, but with time it will eventually shrink or fade.” Saying nothing else, the doctor nods to the nurse who leaves and then writes some notes on her clipboard before leaving. 

****

Left alone again, you still have so many questions. Before you can call for someone the door is open again with the same nurse who is bringing you a small cup of water. 

****

“You must be thirsty.” she says with a smile. 

****

“Thank you. I am.”

****

You take a drink and then decide to ask. 

****

“Can you tell me...what happened and how I got here?” 

****

The nurse smiles warmly and sits in the empty chair. 

****

“The person who called the ambulance said you were hit by a delivery bike. It slid on the icy road as you crossed it. Luckily, the delivery boy wasn’t going too fast but the slide made for a pretty hard impact.” 

****

You stare down at your cup of water a moment and then remember how you had turned the corner and started to cross the street without looking. You feel at least a little relieved to know it wasn’t a car or a bus that hit you. You decide to ask a few more questions. 

****

“Could you also tell me….if I had anyone come see me? How long have I been asleep?” 

****

“Just a few hours, Miss. And the man who called the ambulance was here when we first brought you in and allowed guests. Another girl was with him.” 

****

“Did he ride in the ambulance with me?”

****

“I don’t think so...he might have taken a cab.” 

****

“I see...well...at least he called the ambulance for me.” 

****

“He’s your friend right?” 

****

You nod. 

****

“Was he the one the envelope was for?” 

****

“Yes but...how did you know?” 

****

“When we removed your clothes and coat, we looked for items that could identify you. Your friend hadn’t been allowed in yet and we found the envelope in your coat pocket. He said it was his name on it so I gave it to him.” 

****

You sit in silence for a few moments before speaking. 

****

“Thank you for doing that. Yes, it was for him. I’m glad he got it. Uh….did he….say anything or stay long?”

****

The nurse shakes her head, “No, he left once he knew you were okay but he said he’d like to know of any updates on you.” 

****

“That….that’s okay. It won’t be necessary. I can tell him myself.” 

****

“If you’re sure Miss.” 

****

“I’m sure. Thank you for letting me know everything.” 

****

“You’re welcome.” she says with another smile. She gets up and leaves you alone to tend to other patients. Once the door closes you close your eyes and try not to cry. Slowly, you feel yourself drifting off to sleep and the next day when you wake up, you’re allowed to go home. 

****

You decide to at least tell Zen you’re fine and out of the hospital. 

****

**[** **_Got home from the hospital. Nothing broken, everything is fine. Thanks for calling the ambulance._ ** **]**

****

* * *

 

The day has finally come to depart for London. You mention nothing of the letter as you put that all in the past. The last check on your list is to visit the theater one last time to say goodbye to everyone and tell them all you’ll keep in touch. Thankfully, Zen isn’t there. You leave your new English number and address so the others can send you letters or call and you head to the airport with a face of confidence and hope. Things will get better. Somehow they always do. 

****

As you step onto the plane, your worries and cares from the past slip away as you hoped and you head to your new life. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter describes Zen's side of the accident and what changes in feelings and thoughts he faces while learning of your departure to London.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for posting this so much later than I thought I would. I know a lot of you expected this much sooner and I'm really sorry. School has been getting in the way for me but one of my classes is ending soon so I"ll have more time to write. Thanks for sticking around and I hope to post chapter 9 soon! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. :)

While you were gone, there were things you never knew occurring under the surface. 

****

While you were gone, people changed. 

****

While you were gone, feelings had mutated. 

****

While you were gone, someone missed you. 

****

While you were gone, Zen had realized that everything he thought he knew about what was going on around him wasn’t at all what it seemed. 

****

But you had never seen it. And how could you? From Zen’s perspective you were untouchable. There was an aura around you he wanted to pierce and take in his hands and play with. He wanted to know you. At least, that’s what he realized he wanted after you left. And you left without telling him. In your mind, that was for the best. He wouldn’t care. And even if he did care, it wouldn’t be a problem for him very long. He had MC. He had some girl on a higher level than you. 

****

Except he didn’t. 

****

What you didn’t know was that as time went on, he was slowly starting to see you. See you exactly as you wanted him to see you. He thought you were beautiful. He thought you were amazing. He thought you were kind. He thought you were talented. And more than he thought these things,  _ he knew they were all true _ . Even in the years before his feelings were realized, Zen knew these things on a subconscious level. They were the reason he was always so happy to be around you and spend time with you. Reading your letter of confession broke the seal. 

****

It wasn’t until that day that Zen realized that things weren’t as he thought. While walking down the street with MC’s hand in his, a buzzing in his head was telling him that something wasn’t right. As he turned the corner, the patter of your feet running towards him was heard somewhere in the back of his head and when your voice broke the silence of his walk his immediate action was to turn around with a smile on his face. But as he turned he saw the delivery bike collide with your body, wrapped up in your coat and the earmuffs on your head flew up and off of your head. You spun in the air almost in slow-motion as he called your name out and MC screamed at the awful sight. His free hand was stretched out to you, trying to invisibly pull you to safety on their side of the street, but it was already too late. Almost immediately his phone was out and he was calling an ambulance. Other onlookers on the street stopped and watched in horror as you didn’t get up from your ragdoll position on the asphalt. As he was on the phone, Zen went over to you and bent down, looking at your face as the beginnings of tears welled up in his eyes. He tried to speak to you but words never formed. He had been too in shock. 

****

The ambulance had arrived minutes before and as they got you onto the stretcher, Zen looked at you from a distance, answering the police questions as they had also arrived. MC was holding onto his arm and looking mildly annoyed that your little accident had possibly ruined whatever their day had been planned to be. She tugged on his arm and tried to get his attention, but all he could think about in that moment was you. He then called a taxi and got in, MC begrudgingly tagging along. They followed the ambulance to the hospital and once you were put in a room, he immediately went inside. 

****

“Are you her boyfriend or a relative?” the nurse had asked. 

****

Zen shook his head, “I’m just her friend. I saw everything that happened. Please tell me she’ll be okay.” 

****

The nurse looked over her clipboard and gave him a small smile, “So far things seems okay.” 

****

He breathed a sigh of relief and then MC whispered to him in a pleading way, “Great! So does that mean we can go? We’re already late for our date, Zenny.” 

****

He turned to her and gave her a smile, but one that only meant he was tolerating her behavior, “Sure babe. You wanna go get a snack from the machine down the hall? Here~” 

****

Zen handed her some money for the machine and she happily took it, winking at him and leaving the room. The nurse smiled again and handed Zen the envelope that you had wanted to give him. 

****

“We found this in her coat pocket. When we put her in the hospital gown we took her personal belongings and put them away for when she leaves. I kept this out because I thought it was for someone else.” 

****

He took the envelope and looked at the name on the front. His eyes widened a bit as he saw it was for him and he smiled gratefully. 

****

“I’ll make sure this person gets it.” 

****

The nurse nodded, “Thank you. You’re a very good friend to her.” 

****

She left the room and Zen stood next to you as you were hooked up to a breathing tube and heart-rate monitor. The small beeps made him feel uncomfortable but he thought you looked at peace sleeping. His curiosity piqued when he looked at the envelope again and sat down in the chair next to your bed. Luckily, he knew he had enough time to see what was inside because MC would most likely take her sweet time figuring out what snacks to get both of them. As the beeps continued on, they became the rhythm in which he read the letter. 

****

_ Dear Zen,  _

****

_ I hope you’re reading this alone. I’m sure you’re pretty busy with everything going on. I know you’re a wonderful, sweet, and caring person. You would do nothing to purposefully hurt someone. Ever since I met you, I’ve always admired just how dedicated and hard-working you are when it comes to anything, not just acting. If you haven’t noticed, I’ve tried to be a lot like that too. I do a lot of the same acting auditions and things because I know I have talent. I know I can do well. And I know that I can do all those things because when I’m around you I feel like I can do anything. I’m trying to stall this letter because the real thing I want to write down is making me very nervous. I’m a nervous person. Did you know that? I’m actually extremely nervous talking to people. Especially you. I wake up every day wondering how you’re doing and what I’m going to say to you if I see you. The way you carry yourself is always so cool. The first time we acted together I was nervous. But you made me feel confident in what I was doing. There’s no hesitation when I’m acting around you. There is hesitation when I’m just myself. I’m hesitant because the thing I want to say will change everything. I’m sure it’ll change the way you see me. I know I’m probably not the prettiest or thinnest or funniest girl, but I know that the way I feel about things will never change. So here it is. No turning back now.  _

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_ I love you, Zen.  _

****

_ From the day I met you, I knew that I liked you. Not just because of your looks. Those have always been secondary to me. I love you for your kindness. I love you for the way you make me laugh. I love you for how you make me smile. I love you for always being around when I needed someone to talk to. I’ve told you everything about me. I never kept anything from you, except this last secret. My secret love for you. I know it seems a bit childish to write this all in a letter, but I’m so very afraid of telling it to your face. Things like this never work out so well for me. I’m too scared to hear what you’d say. I know you’re in love with MC so a letter is best. It makes rejection sting less. And even though you’ll reject me, I’ll still love you because that’s what love makes us do. I can’t help how I feel and I can’t help how I act around you. Now that you know, I know our friendship won’t be the same. You probably won’t want to talk to me as much anymore because of how awkward it might be. I even understand if you don’t want to be friends with me after this. I don’t want to be a burden to you, Zen. Sometimes I feel like you take care of me way too much. I need to do things for myself more. Especially because I’m on my own in every aspect. This is the first step.  _

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_ Love, - _

****

With every sentence on the page, his heart had started beating faster and faster. Something about how honest and raw you were in your letter made him start to become emotional. He blinked and tears began to fall silently down his face. He slowly looked over at you, still unconscious in your bed and he couldn’t bring himself to speak. In this moment he wouldn’t know what to say to you. The shock of seeing you hurt because of him made his stomach churn. He was still processing the news when he heard MC’s voice in the hallway and he quickly wiped his eyes and folded the letter back into the envelope and into his pocket. Without a word, he left the room, the voice in his head begging you for forgiveness. 

****

* * *

****

Before this incident, there were small signs that he was starting to question how he felt about you. Sometimes he’d catch himself thinking about you back when the two of you were still working together in the musical as love interests. He was curious as to what you were doing or where you were. But he also just told himself he was thinking of you because you were friends and you were currently working together very closely. Then, it escalated slightly. The night of the party, when you were drunk and hanging all over him and whispering things he liked hearing in his ear; He couldn’t help himself. When he got home that night, the twitch in his pants didn’t care that it was you who made it stand up. Hoping a shower would help, he hopped in but the way your voice had tickled his ear and your soft fingertips danced across his skin he couldn’t stand it any longer and he touched himself thinking of you. It was your name on his lips when he finally came and when he was out of the shower he didn’t regret it at all. Because you were beautiful and you were someone he cared about. The RFA party also escalated things quite a bit in his thoughts about you. Confessing his love for MC and proving himself innocent was his goal and he came through on them. But seeing you at the party and how beautiful and elegant you looked made him slightly weak in the knees and a bit nervous. It almost made him regret telling everyone MC was his. That regret pooled in the pit of his stomach that night too as he and MC finally became intimate for the first time, your name almost spilling from his lips at the peak of pleasure. He was confused and angry with himself and MC didn’t help at all. 

****

Getting to know MC was easy when it was through text. She seemed sweet and caring and at first, she was. She listened to him. Like you did. But it was different from how you listened. MC asked too many questions sometimes. You let Zen say all he wanted to say, the details naturally coming without being prodded out. MC would only say the same few things to Zen, things that made him feel good but things he also heard on a constant basis: 

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**MC:** **_Hello, Lovely Zen~_ **

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**MC:** **_Such a beautiful photo OwO <3_ **

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**MC:** **_Goodnight, Zenny~~~~_ **

****

That’s all it was. Via text it was never a long conversation and even then, Zen would do most of the talking. There were things he had to explain over and over again, not because MC was stupid or didn’t understand, but because she didn’t pay attention to those things. When they finally met everything seemed great. The heart eyes they had for each other never left as they relished in just the thought of being within close proximity to each other. The  _ idea  _ of a relationship was what made Zen excited to be with MC. He finally had someone who was always there, always listening, always present. You were like that too, but with you, it was different. You listened, you had opinions, you had things to say. You didn’t always agree with him but you let him speak his mind. Zen didn’t have to think about being happy when he was with you. He already was. 

****

While you were gone, things came to a head.

****

While you were gone, MC’s true colors started to show.

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While you were gone, Zen’s thoughts always drifted back to you and those memories. 

****

While you were gone…

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* * *

****

The day you walked onto that plane to London, Zen woke up very late. It was almost 11:30 in the morning when he finally trudged out of bed, slithered to the bathroom, showered, got dressed, ate breakfast (which consisted of plain toast and a bottle of water), and started to look over his script. In the haziness of the morning, he had forgotten that the letter you wrote to him was tucked between the pages of the script, not as a bookmark (though, that’s what it turned into) but as a hiding place so MC wouldn’t snoop around. She never looked through his scripts because she wanted to be surprised when she saw the play. When he opened it, the letter fell to his feet and he had a sinking feeling in his gut that told him he had to go see you. Knowing (or at least as far as  _ he  _ knew) you were in the hospital, he lied to MC as she continued to sleep in and kissed her goodbye. He didn’t kiss her lips like usual, just her forehead, and he didn’t feel bad for doing so. 

****

“I have to go out to a meeting, Babe. I totally forgot. I’ll be back later.” he whispered. 

****

She didn’t answer, just continued to sleep. He left, hailing a cab to the hospital and when he got there, he asked for you and they said you had already checked out. Frustrated, he decided not to call or text you. Clearly any contact from him first would have been ignored by the way your letter sounded. He knew you wanted to be alone, so the only logical thing for him to do was surprise you. 

****

He then had the idea to go to the rehearsal space as you had just been there recently and thought maybe someone there could call you down or know where you were. He hailed another cab, thinking how he’d joke you owed him cab money because he had to get to you so fast, but then stopped because he wasn’t sure how upset you’d be when you saw him. As he opened the door, he was greeted by everyone who was there either working, rehearsing, or hanging out. He went up to the usual stage manager and almost pleaded with him to say where you were. 

****

“I need to see her.” he said. 

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“You didn’t know?” 

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“Know what?” 

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“Zen, everyone knows.” 

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“I don’t. What don’t I know?” 

****

“She’s not here.” 

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“Okay, then is she at home?” 

****

“No, she’s not home either. She’s not in the country.” 

****

“What?”

****

“She’s going to London for a year. I thought for sure she’d tell you.” 

****

He couldn’t even shake his head in confusion because he was so in shock, “No….she...she didn’t tell me that.” 

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“Oh, that’s weird. Well, her plane leaves today, I’m not sure what time though.” 

****

“Then she could still be at the airport….”

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“Yeah but I don’t remember if her plane leaves at 2 or 3.” 

****

Without another word, Zen ran out the door, not caring what time your plane left. All he knew was that he was going to see you, whether you liked it or not. He hailed a third cab that almost immediately ran into traffic going towards the airport. He never checked the time, knowing you’d still be there. He felt it in his heart that somehow, in some weird way, you’d be waiting for him. He exited the cab, quicky apologizing to the driver for not paying and ran parallel to the traffic. HIs feet carried him the rest of the way, never tiring out as he reached the airport. In mere minutes he was there, the sliding doors opening to let him in and when the cool air of the inside hit his face, onlookers who turned to see the beautiful creature that appeared saw how dewey and shiny his face was. He looked like he was in a drama where the main man runs through the airport to find his lost love, and in reality, he sort of was. Minus the cameras. As he ran to find a departure screen, he also scanned the area to see if he could spot you. Then, when his eyes hit the words he was looking for, he saw that in less than 10 minutes, your plane would be taking off. He looked at the gate number, an audible noise of frustration exiting his lips as he realized it was on the other side of the airport. He ran as fast as he could, zipping through and dodging people as they came towards him, apologizing as he went past. His heart was beating at tens of thousands of miles per second and while he was trying to figure out what the hell was going on in his brain and what he would say to you, all he could think of was: 

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_ Don’t go.  _

****

That’s all he could repeat to himself, hoping your heart could hear his. This overwhelming feeling was winning inside of him and all at once he started to cry out for you as he approached the gate. It was then that he started to go faster and faster, reaching the double doors that were already closed, the attendant next to it looking confused at him. 

****

“Sir, this flight has already boarded, I’m afraid you’ll have to make the next one.” 

****

Zen looked at the attendant, then the doors, then the time the flight was supposed to leave. He had missed it. He had missed you. He hit the doors with his hands and slid down them to his knees as he hit his head against the doors in defeat. 

****

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave if you-” 

****

“Don’t go.”

****

“Sir?” 

****

“Don’t go! I said don’t go damn it! Open the doors so I can see her! Please….please….”

****

“Sir, you’re five minutes too late. The plane is taking off as we speak.” 

****

Zen stood up, looking out the windows next to the doors and he saw the plane backing out and turning away to take off down the runway. He screamed for it to return, tears in his eyes, his throat dry, his heart sinking to the bottom where no one would find it. He was too late. 

****

He was always too late with you. 

****

As he slowly walked away, security seeing just how handsome the screaming man was and leaving him alone, he couldn’t look anywhere but the ground. This was punishment, he decided. Punishment for not seeing the real you that wrote the letter to him. His feelings were so very complicated when it came to you. With each step he wanted to turn around, book the next flight and try to find you in London. But something made him stay. If he was going to have to wait for you, he would. One whole year. And while you were gone, he changed the most. He wanted to be a better person because of it. No more hiding. No more bullshit. No more lying. 

****

That night, he lay in bed next to MC, her arm draped around him. When he got home, he made sure not to look at her and when she asked what was wrong he said the meeting was long and made him tired. He turned over in bed, slowly pushing her arm off of him and he thought of what you must be doing, again, thinking about you and why you had left. Part of him wanted to talk to you now, call you and tell you how stupid he felt for not realizing just how much he meant to you. The other part told him he needed to give you space. And he was right. There were things he still needed to do at home before he saw you again. He had a whole year to work on himself. 

****

So he waited for you. 

****

He worked hard to make himself better for you. 

****

And when the year was up, he told himself he wasn’t going to hold back. He was going to tell you how he felt. 

****

No more unrequited love. 


End file.
